Halloween and All Saints Day are twin occasions. One, through historical and traditionally cultural celebrations, points to the observance as All Saints Day, which focuses less on the macabre and more on the spiritual. One is no less an occasion for confronting the reality of death than the other.
Halloween has come to be a commercialized, more frivolous and mundane occasion, while All Saints Day is more dignified, more concentrated on the passing of a dear family member, individual friend or collective group of deceased persons who have borne considerable importance in our lives.
No one argues that one is more or less important than the other. It could be said that Halloween is the opening act. It is the opportunity to allow one to move from celebration to contemplation. Death, in both cases, is still a stark reality. Perception of and management of death differs in the two.
Many memorial services today are less somber and more celebrative. Recognition is given to the value of the life of the deceased and to their passing from our presence. It becomes an affirmation of their importance, example, lessons taught from their time among us.
All Saints Day, as an annual event, catches up all who have died in the past year and gives public opportunity for a renewed remembering of their importance to our lives.
Like Fat Tuesday, Mardi Gras, Halloween is more a human experience, a frivolous regard for what follows, which is the awareness of death, and in the case of Lent and Easter, an acknowledgment of Resurrection. One does not occur without the other. While there is an element of paganism in these acts, there is struggle and resistance and finally surrender.
Halloween is another way to confront death. And, if one readies oneself to deal with the sure and certain prospect of death, there is no impropriety in facing it in whatever way gives a person insight into recognizing its inevitability. Fear of death prompts lack of faith. Who knows, for sure, what lies on the other side? Like all mysteries no solution, however couched in language, gives us a final picture of what death may be like in its existential state.
These human occasions, Halloween, All Saints Day, Fat Tuesday, even Good Friday, at best only give us a glimpse, and it is a glimpse made up of metaphysical experiences.
No arguments here regarding how one acts out ones faith and belief system. These in the moment experiences simply allow a pragmatic way for us to express a desire to reach beyond ourselves in life and to grasp what lies beyond in death.
So whatever, however you may go about incorporating these occasions in your own metaphysical moment, do so with satisfaction and joy that attempting to reach out for mercy and grace is an ever constant undertaking.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Preparing for What Could Be: What's to Lose?
How are you doing with your grocery bills these days? Gas is down, so there should be more to spend for groceries, right? Depends on how you watch the prices and quantities at your local grocer.
Are you eating more macaroni and cheese, hamburger helpers, crock pot meals, in other words, slicing the bread thinner?
Well maybe none of this applies in your situation. Maybe you are comfortable enough that dietary expectations and enjoyment have remained the same. If so, are you also considering stocking up on durables that may be needed if circumstance requires your being so prepared?
Most polls suggest the anxiety level of most Americans as being pretty high. Eighty plus percent still believe things are going in the wrong direction. Warnings abound. Indicators suggest that whatever happens next, the likelihood of a sudden and satisfying turn around won't be happening soon.
Sounds as if it may be time for some old fashioned prudence. Here are a few thoughts:
$What's to lose by stocking your pantry with items that have a long shelf life? Whatever happens, you will use them eventually.
$What's to lose by assuring you have a good drinking water supply? If you don't use it, you can always water the plants later.
$What's to lose by reducing the number of trips to the grocer? You will enjoy more time for other things.
$What's to lose by being sure you have your car in good repair, in the event of some sudden need or emergency?
$What's to lose by stocking up on a few extra gallons of gas with prices at 18 month lows?
$What's to lose by choosing to be prudent, smart, prepared and less stressed?
In previous times, when convenience was not a presumed luxury, folk thought about tomorrow. They didn't make runs to buy a loaf of bread and a carton of milk. They loaded up on needs to last them for weeks. Twenty five pound bags of sugar and flour, other staples, a root cellar, smoked meats were all common. We aren't there to be sure, but such a reasonable approach to uncertain times may be a good experience for us. Discovering more self reliance, as in Henry David Thoreau's counsel, might be an eye opening and a huge learning experience for you, your family and your future.
It may not be necessary, but then again, one can argue neither is insurance!
Are you eating more macaroni and cheese, hamburger helpers, crock pot meals, in other words, slicing the bread thinner?
Well maybe none of this applies in your situation. Maybe you are comfortable enough that dietary expectations and enjoyment have remained the same. If so, are you also considering stocking up on durables that may be needed if circumstance requires your being so prepared?
Most polls suggest the anxiety level of most Americans as being pretty high. Eighty plus percent still believe things are going in the wrong direction. Warnings abound. Indicators suggest that whatever happens next, the likelihood of a sudden and satisfying turn around won't be happening soon.
Sounds as if it may be time for some old fashioned prudence. Here are a few thoughts:
$What's to lose by stocking your pantry with items that have a long shelf life? Whatever happens, you will use them eventually.
$What's to lose by assuring you have a good drinking water supply? If you don't use it, you can always water the plants later.
$What's to lose by reducing the number of trips to the grocer? You will enjoy more time for other things.
$What's to lose by being sure you have your car in good repair, in the event of some sudden need or emergency?
$What's to lose by stocking up on a few extra gallons of gas with prices at 18 month lows?
$What's to lose by choosing to be prudent, smart, prepared and less stressed?
In previous times, when convenience was not a presumed luxury, folk thought about tomorrow. They didn't make runs to buy a loaf of bread and a carton of milk. They loaded up on needs to last them for weeks. Twenty five pound bags of sugar and flour, other staples, a root cellar, smoked meats were all common. We aren't there to be sure, but such a reasonable approach to uncertain times may be a good experience for us. Discovering more self reliance, as in Henry David Thoreau's counsel, might be an eye opening and a huge learning experience for you, your family and your future.
It may not be necessary, but then again, one can argue neither is insurance!
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Capture Beauty in Your Heart!
How much of our attention is distracted by uninvited interruptions? And how much of the responsibility for that is given over to our own choices?
The other morning when I was home alone, I chose to take a cup of coffee out on the front porch, a place too often ignored by most of us, sit in a rocking chair, listen to the early morning birdsong, watch as the sun began to break through the trees and just quietly capture, absorb and experience the true beauty of the world.
It was a moment of grace. It is a moment requiring the willingness to excuse the many attempts that invade our lives by expelling the quiet when we turn on something to listen to or watch, when we start planning our day too early, without reflecting on its real purpose and value for us that day, and when we start bustling around without giving our bodies a chance to say good morning to the new day.
More and more, it is clear in a stress-filled world that we need such moments which allow us to discover calm, to take in the tranquility of the day, to breathe deeply and to reflect without a thousand other agendas pummeling our minds.
There are also readings which guide ones meditation. Look for those which give opportunity for peace in your spirit. Some enjoy the Psalms, others Deepak Chopra, others Henri Nouwen, others daily meditation guides, others poetry. These may be of helpful importance to train your mind to overcome interruption and distraction.
Of all the counsel which may be offered, it seems to me that the goal of Capturing Beauty in Your Heart is the one which requires your spiritual energy and quieting discipline the most.
When you have done that a time or two, the next time will come more easily. Your heart, symbolically, is the source of all beauty and peace. Keep it in good condition!
The other morning when I was home alone, I chose to take a cup of coffee out on the front porch, a place too often ignored by most of us, sit in a rocking chair, listen to the early morning birdsong, watch as the sun began to break through the trees and just quietly capture, absorb and experience the true beauty of the world.
It was a moment of grace. It is a moment requiring the willingness to excuse the many attempts that invade our lives by expelling the quiet when we turn on something to listen to or watch, when we start planning our day too early, without reflecting on its real purpose and value for us that day, and when we start bustling around without giving our bodies a chance to say good morning to the new day.
More and more, it is clear in a stress-filled world that we need such moments which allow us to discover calm, to take in the tranquility of the day, to breathe deeply and to reflect without a thousand other agendas pummeling our minds.
There are also readings which guide ones meditation. Look for those which give opportunity for peace in your spirit. Some enjoy the Psalms, others Deepak Chopra, others Henri Nouwen, others daily meditation guides, others poetry. These may be of helpful importance to train your mind to overcome interruption and distraction.
Of all the counsel which may be offered, it seems to me that the goal of Capturing Beauty in Your Heart is the one which requires your spiritual energy and quieting discipline the most.
When you have done that a time or two, the next time will come more easily. Your heart, symbolically, is the source of all beauty and peace. Keep it in good condition!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Celebrate Thanksgiving Early!
What about celebrating Thanksgiving early this year? No need to reiterate all the reasons why not. Even since last Thanksgiving, the mood of cynicism has taken on epidemic proportions. Yet, through it all, most who read this column are inordinately blessed. Sure, there are craters of despair, potholes of misfortune, dead ends, cul de sacs and roads to nowhere. Sure, it will be, according to those who prognosticate about such things, a good while before we will, if ever, see a return to Coolidge's famous "normalcy."Things have happened so fast, it appears the world is turning now on a different axis. The outcome is without predictability and full of uncertainty.
So, now, in the midst of all this disarray, crumbling social, economic and world wide instability, the most likely thing we can do, is look for something that offers encouragement.
I suggest these:
+ We are still alive. Breath and heartbeat are two of life's daily gifts we too often take for granted.
+We are still experiencing the rising and setting of the sun each day.
+The God most worship is still in his/her world offering some kind of spiritual solace.
+For those with families, their presence still represents one of the most cherished gifts of all.
+For those with good health, that remains the number one reason to be thankful.
+For those who still have employment, of course, you are among the most fortunate.
+For those without a job and without prospects for one, the support of others becomes all the more critical and necessary.
+For those who think life is still moving along reasonably well, be thankful.
+For those who are overcoming blind self-centeredness and beginning to discover ways to care about and for others, you are truly blessed.
Between now and Thanksgiving, start and keep your own list why Thanksgiving, 2008, will be critically important and a major celebration in your life. Use that list on Thanksgiving Day by passing it around and having each person read one line from it as a part of the Thanksgiving Grace. At the end of that exercise, pause, and in silence or aloud have each person express one thing they are thankful for. It won't take long... the football game can wait... and this will likely be the most nourishing part of your Thanksgiving Holiday.
So, now, in the midst of all this disarray, crumbling social, economic and world wide instability, the most likely thing we can do, is look for something that offers encouragement.
I suggest these:
+ We are still alive. Breath and heartbeat are two of life's daily gifts we too often take for granted.
+We are still experiencing the rising and setting of the sun each day.
+The God most worship is still in his/her world offering some kind of spiritual solace.
+For those with families, their presence still represents one of the most cherished gifts of all.
+For those with good health, that remains the number one reason to be thankful.
+For those who still have employment, of course, you are among the most fortunate.
+For those without a job and without prospects for one, the support of others becomes all the more critical and necessary.
+For those who think life is still moving along reasonably well, be thankful.
+For those who are overcoming blind self-centeredness and beginning to discover ways to care about and for others, you are truly blessed.
Between now and Thanksgiving, start and keep your own list why Thanksgiving, 2008, will be critically important and a major celebration in your life. Use that list on Thanksgiving Day by passing it around and having each person read one line from it as a part of the Thanksgiving Grace. At the end of that exercise, pause, and in silence or aloud have each person express one thing they are thankful for. It won't take long... the football game can wait... and this will likely be the most nourishing part of your Thanksgiving Holiday.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Nine Steps for Getting to the Voting Booth
Overcoming the onslaught of last minute desperate attempts to get our attention in this election is something of a challenge.
Likely, there is counsel which may help us sort the wheat from the chaff. I rely on these basic premises:
+Be aware in these waning days of the election, particularly for those who are lagging behind, the tone will pick up more volume and less reason.
+It is too late to reply or discredit much of what gets thrown against the wall and the other candidate at this late hour.
+If you are still undecided, then like those experiences when facing a final exam, it really is time to start closing the books and focusing on the test question: Who do I trust to be my President?
+Beware of last minute pressure, recorded calls (robocalls), emails espousing the need for you to stand up for one or another favorite but inflammatory causes. There is much more at stake than just being sure one or another social issue is met by your candidate.
+In order to assist your decision making, maybe you need to volunteer to help "get out the vote." You don't have to take sides, just assist in encouraging folk to vote on or before November 4. What you do, do quickly. The window is closing.
+Avoid emotional tirades with anyone. If they bait you, don't take the bait. This is a moment to impose reason and sanity. We have enough of the other already rearing its ugly head.
+Follow the polling data, not as means for making a decision, but an indicator of how the country is leaning. You may decide to go against that. I have lost more votes in my life for having been on the "other side" than I have won. It's humbling, but it guarantees that you were trying to be a thoughtful voter.
+Personally, I oppose yard signs and bumper stickers, much as I do folk who wear, but don't take seriously, religious symbols. If you need to do it, that's up to you. I prefer maintaining a sense of balance and isolation from being branded by such.
+Finally, on November 4, prepare yourself to learn something more about this democratic institution. Be prepared to hold your local officials accountable. Don't assume that the "good guy" will win just because you are for him. If there is chicanery afoot, be ready to challenge it. Celebrate the outcome, assuming it is authentic. If it isn't then once again, as in 2000, we are all in trouble.
Likely, there is counsel which may help us sort the wheat from the chaff. I rely on these basic premises:
+Be aware in these waning days of the election, particularly for those who are lagging behind, the tone will pick up more volume and less reason.
+It is too late to reply or discredit much of what gets thrown against the wall and the other candidate at this late hour.
+If you are still undecided, then like those experiences when facing a final exam, it really is time to start closing the books and focusing on the test question: Who do I trust to be my President?
+Beware of last minute pressure, recorded calls (robocalls), emails espousing the need for you to stand up for one or another favorite but inflammatory causes. There is much more at stake than just being sure one or another social issue is met by your candidate.
+In order to assist your decision making, maybe you need to volunteer to help "get out the vote." You don't have to take sides, just assist in encouraging folk to vote on or before November 4. What you do, do quickly. The window is closing.
+Avoid emotional tirades with anyone. If they bait you, don't take the bait. This is a moment to impose reason and sanity. We have enough of the other already rearing its ugly head.
+Follow the polling data, not as means for making a decision, but an indicator of how the country is leaning. You may decide to go against that. I have lost more votes in my life for having been on the "other side" than I have won. It's humbling, but it guarantees that you were trying to be a thoughtful voter.
+Personally, I oppose yard signs and bumper stickers, much as I do folk who wear, but don't take seriously, religious symbols. If you need to do it, that's up to you. I prefer maintaining a sense of balance and isolation from being branded by such.
+Finally, on November 4, prepare yourself to learn something more about this democratic institution. Be prepared to hold your local officials accountable. Don't assume that the "good guy" will win just because you are for him. If there is chicanery afoot, be ready to challenge it. Celebrate the outcome, assuming it is authentic. If it isn't then once again, as in 2000, we are all in trouble.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Exercise Your Right: VOTE!
Have you ever been on a limb that felt as if it wouldn't hold you? Have you ever been in the water, when you weren't sure you wouldn't go under and not come up? Have your ever been on a trail and didn't know whether you could find your way back?
Well, that might just be what it is like going into the voting booth this time around. Omigod! We are really up against it. Some of us feel very good about the choice we have made and have, in fact, already voted. Others continue to struggle. I am a fairly quick study. With sufficient information, I am able to make decision without huge delay. Some, however, and I respect that, take longer to sort through the issues and dynamics.
Some of us waited eight years for a difference. It never came. Some of us hoped for conscience and good judgment to prevail. We have been though
a series of cabinet officers in defense, state, attorney general, the list seems endless. None has given us new and reasonable hope that our democracy can be revived or that our moral standing in the world can once again be respected. With every month, the catastrophe of our national condition has deteriorated further.
The opportunity is before us now. If you are waiting for lightning to strike, I suggest you wait no longer. So, come on, decide, move, do it and vote!
Even waiting to the last day is not going to produce a bargain decision in which you get two for one or 50% off. It is time to act out your citizenship. Waiting for the best deal will not give you any benefit, since the results of the election will not be played out on November 4, but over the next four years. So, suck it up, go for it and vote! No October surprise, no last minute machinations will likely make any difference at all.
Well, that might just be what it is like going into the voting booth this time around. Omigod! We are really up against it. Some of us feel very good about the choice we have made and have, in fact, already voted. Others continue to struggle. I am a fairly quick study. With sufficient information, I am able to make decision without huge delay. Some, however, and I respect that, take longer to sort through the issues and dynamics.
Some of us waited eight years for a difference. It never came. Some of us hoped for conscience and good judgment to prevail. We have been though
a series of cabinet officers in defense, state, attorney general, the list seems endless. None has given us new and reasonable hope that our democracy can be revived or that our moral standing in the world can once again be respected. With every month, the catastrophe of our national condition has deteriorated further.
The opportunity is before us now. If you are waiting for lightning to strike, I suggest you wait no longer. So, come on, decide, move, do it and vote!
Even waiting to the last day is not going to produce a bargain decision in which you get two for one or 50% off. It is time to act out your citizenship. Waiting for the best deal will not give you any benefit, since the results of the election will not be played out on November 4, but over the next four years. So, suck it up, go for it and vote! No October surprise, no last minute machinations will likely make any difference at all.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Ponderings on the Election
It's getting closer. Thank God and the rising and setting of the sun. In just days we will finally see the moment when the curtain falls and the election is over. Assuming there is no tie or contest in the outcome.
Frankly, my intuition is moving toward the victory of one candidate. I am of the opinion, with the help of trends in polling, that the victory will go to the Democrats. It may be time. For those of you who do not share that view, I don't apologize, I just am reporting what I am reading, seeing and hearing. You may not like my conclusion, but then, I didn't particularly enjoy the outcomes of the previous two elections.
I don't categorize people who disagree with me as evil or wrong or vengeful or "un-American." I believe and presently enjoy the assumption that America is STILL a democracy. That means each of us gets our turn. When that is no longer possible, democracy has become a myth. Disturbing as it is to see and hear of KKK and other hate groups attempting to spill poison in the reservoir of our democracy, most of us are thoughtful, incisive and reasonable in our approaches. Our disagreements may reach louder and louder decibels, but, at length, the friends and compatriots with whom I talk, end up being civil with one another. It isn't easy, particularly in our time when issues run either very hot or very cold... there is little in between and no lukewarm.
To get through all of this is not to decide that it is unimportant. It is to decide to be honest, to be disciplined. It is to choose to read and be exposed to something other than the routine sources that reinforce one's perspective. Much of what I have heard in the past week over the car radio, while in East Texas, alarms me. With little exception the airwaves were full of disinformation and hype. There was no pretense made toward fairness or balance. It was as if there were a huge dome over that geographic section preventing any other message from penetrating it. Rush Limbaugh was on at least four to six stations, both AM and FM; there were other lesser known right wing radio show hosts, plying their wares. When you tried moving from one station to other, with the seek button, most of what you found was shyster preachers trying to separate people from their money, automobile advertisements or swap shops. Not much in there for people who like to spend some time on the road having some kind of intellectual stimulation. I gave up Rush years ago. Anyone who has all the answers and all I have to do is be a "ditto head," turns me off immediately. I am, I confess, a free thinker. If that makes me a liberal too, then I guess I am.
What I would like to see before I vote for the very last time, is that this country is living out of its ideals and not its myths. Like religion, democracy is easily swayed and influenced by those who know more about the Bible or the Constitution than anybody else. Ironically, "sound and fury" do not equal comprehension and communication.
No person going into the White House today will be free of the agonizing anxiety all of us are experiencing in our very frail political and national climate. That is sobering. So think long, study earnestly, decide with some sense of recognizing what is at stake. None of us will be 100%, absolutely, unequivocally correct. We are still frail human vessels who do the best we can with the information we have. Integrity still matters.
Go into the polls, if you already haven't, and decide. When you walk hold up your head, not in defiance, but in the conviction that you still have the right to express yourself. Hope that in four years, the same opportunity will be available.
Frankly, my intuition is moving toward the victory of one candidate. I am of the opinion, with the help of trends in polling, that the victory will go to the Democrats. It may be time. For those of you who do not share that view, I don't apologize, I just am reporting what I am reading, seeing and hearing. You may not like my conclusion, but then, I didn't particularly enjoy the outcomes of the previous two elections.
I don't categorize people who disagree with me as evil or wrong or vengeful or "un-American." I believe and presently enjoy the assumption that America is STILL a democracy. That means each of us gets our turn. When that is no longer possible, democracy has become a myth. Disturbing as it is to see and hear of KKK and other hate groups attempting to spill poison in the reservoir of our democracy, most of us are thoughtful, incisive and reasonable in our approaches. Our disagreements may reach louder and louder decibels, but, at length, the friends and compatriots with whom I talk, end up being civil with one another. It isn't easy, particularly in our time when issues run either very hot or very cold... there is little in between and no lukewarm.
To get through all of this is not to decide that it is unimportant. It is to decide to be honest, to be disciplined. It is to choose to read and be exposed to something other than the routine sources that reinforce one's perspective. Much of what I have heard in the past week over the car radio, while in East Texas, alarms me. With little exception the airwaves were full of disinformation and hype. There was no pretense made toward fairness or balance. It was as if there were a huge dome over that geographic section preventing any other message from penetrating it. Rush Limbaugh was on at least four to six stations, both AM and FM; there were other lesser known right wing radio show hosts, plying their wares. When you tried moving from one station to other, with the seek button, most of what you found was shyster preachers trying to separate people from their money, automobile advertisements or swap shops. Not much in there for people who like to spend some time on the road having some kind of intellectual stimulation. I gave up Rush years ago. Anyone who has all the answers and all I have to do is be a "ditto head," turns me off immediately. I am, I confess, a free thinker. If that makes me a liberal too, then I guess I am.
What I would like to see before I vote for the very last time, is that this country is living out of its ideals and not its myths. Like religion, democracy is easily swayed and influenced by those who know more about the Bible or the Constitution than anybody else. Ironically, "sound and fury" do not equal comprehension and communication.
No person going into the White House today will be free of the agonizing anxiety all of us are experiencing in our very frail political and national climate. That is sobering. So think long, study earnestly, decide with some sense of recognizing what is at stake. None of us will be 100%, absolutely, unequivocally correct. We are still frail human vessels who do the best we can with the information we have. Integrity still matters.
Go into the polls, if you already haven't, and decide. When you walk hold up your head, not in defiance, but in the conviction that you still have the right to express yourself. Hope that in four years, the same opportunity will be available.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Today's Journey: The Players are in Place
The flight from Phoenix to Dallas is only a couple of hours, but in those two hours lots can happen. Today I was introduced to two new friends. One was a physician/professor from Oakland and the other a middle school teacher and church music director from Houston. It was two hours of intellectual and generous exchanges of ideas, our personal lives, insights, experiences, good stories, a menagerie of stimulating conversation.
Two hours, that was all. But it was a serendipity that left me not weary from travel but highly stimulated because of It. My new friends, Don and Thor, turned an otherwise unremarkable day into a very significant one
My reflections highlighted how much changes in just two hours; how life introduces us to immediate transitions right before our eyes. The parade of life can just pass by or we can be a part of it. We can sit on the sidelines and just observe or get in the middle of it and discover new thrills for living. We can doze our way through what might be an otherwise provocative moment. We can turn our head away and feign the need for privacy. There are times for that, to be sure. But, when the chemistry is right and the players are ready then the stage is set for a wonderful drama.
On my lap was Barack Obama's book, The Audacity of Hope, which provided some stimulus for our conversation. However, we did not invest great deal of time on politics. Ideas, yes, politics as a subheading only.
I was especially happy when I observed a woman, who was boarding, looking at the book on my lap, shook her head and moved to find another seat.
Arbitrary seat mates can make a huge difference in your day. Being open to that, on the part of both or all parties, contributes to learning and discovery.
Today is a different kind of day. This morning I will be sharing an hour or so with family and friends of the couple I told about in Tuesday's column. The dialog this time will range from unexpected to exhilarating as we sort through memories together. It will be occasion for tears and laughter. But more, it will be an opportunity to experience the redemptive relationship of friends and family holding one another up.
Life moves from moment to moment, and like a leaf caught in the moving stream we make our way to that vast ocean where all of us complete our journey.
So, come with me today and celebrate the joy of the unexpected, the satisfaction of new discoveries, the excitement of fresh and genuinely halting moments for heart and soul and mind and body. Remember to breathe deeply, to walk briskly, to embrace the world enthusiastically. Today's gift is yours to help create. Make it another one to remember. ,
Two hours, that was all. But it was a serendipity that left me not weary from travel but highly stimulated because of It. My new friends, Don and Thor, turned an otherwise unremarkable day into a very significant one
My reflections highlighted how much changes in just two hours; how life introduces us to immediate transitions right before our eyes. The parade of life can just pass by or we can be a part of it. We can sit on the sidelines and just observe or get in the middle of it and discover new thrills for living. We can doze our way through what might be an otherwise provocative moment. We can turn our head away and feign the need for privacy. There are times for that, to be sure. But, when the chemistry is right and the players are ready then the stage is set for a wonderful drama.
On my lap was Barack Obama's book, The Audacity of Hope, which provided some stimulus for our conversation. However, we did not invest great deal of time on politics. Ideas, yes, politics as a subheading only.
I was especially happy when I observed a woman, who was boarding, looking at the book on my lap, shook her head and moved to find another seat.
Arbitrary seat mates can make a huge difference in your day. Being open to that, on the part of both or all parties, contributes to learning and discovery.
Today is a different kind of day. This morning I will be sharing an hour or so with family and friends of the couple I told about in Tuesday's column. The dialog this time will range from unexpected to exhilarating as we sort through memories together. It will be occasion for tears and laughter. But more, it will be an opportunity to experience the redemptive relationship of friends and family holding one another up.
Life moves from moment to moment, and like a leaf caught in the moving stream we make our way to that vast ocean where all of us complete our journey.
So, come with me today and celebrate the joy of the unexpected, the satisfaction of new discoveries, the excitement of fresh and genuinely halting moments for heart and soul and mind and body. Remember to breathe deeply, to walk briskly, to embrace the world enthusiastically. Today's gift is yours to help create. Make it another one to remember. ,
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Sudden Death: An Earthquake Moment
Sudden, unexpected, tragic! Family and friends of a well known couple were in shock when learning of their deaths in an automobile and motorcycle accident last Saturday. It stops anyone short, whether you knew those involved or not. The temporal nature of our brief lives faces us straight on. The departure of people you take for granted, that they will just be there, suddenly is met with stark reality.
Death is that ultimate mystery that finds us ready or not. Something inside us is stilled for a moment or more when we reflect on the vacancy now in our lives. Some find a quiet place to mourn privately. Others just express openly. Others are just dazed. Some become stoic. It is a universal experience and it leaves its own intimate mark or scar upon us.
We will recover. We know that. But, like everything else experienced in this mortal journey, we are left with enormous change.
How we cope will say a lot about our own ability to manage disappointment and grief. There is no right or wrong way to go about ones grieving. There are some very fine books which prescribe methods and explain the steps of grieving. One of them, written by a colleague of my acquaintance for more than 20 years, is "Life After Loss." The author is Bob Deits.
Talking with friends or other family members most always offers therapy. Remembering is critical. Good memories are a balm and a salve. Share them generously.
Finding ways to create appropriate memorials in behalf of the deceased, not artificial or temporary, but something permanent that will sustain others in their journeys, can always be done. A small park, a memorial fountain, a scholarship for a person in need, a special gift to a special organization and other ideas can serve as a way to plant a solid reminder of persons whose lives had and will continue to have meaning. Those who knew the deceased can find gratifying fulfillment in participating in such a tribute.
Now is the time to grieve, now is the time to begin sorting it out. My counsel is to avoid "why" questions. Those almost always lead no where or in directions that are only artificially satisfying.
Spiritual solace is often the most helpful. It allows persons to draw on the strength and promise of the positives of mortality and immortality. Judgement is not our role. Compassion and a genuine presence are offerings well made. Expressions of such come in all forms.
So spend some time in solemnity for as long as is needed. Reach out to others who care and aren't afraid to demonstrate that caring. Avoid those who just don't get it. They will often impose hurt, without even knowing it. Find your own solace and strength and hope as you work through this earthquake moment. Breathe deeply. Pray persistently. Hope constantly. Offer love unabashedly. Allow your spirit to soar to places it has not gone before or in a while.
We will prevail and life will be better because of the gift of the lives of our friends or family to all of us.
Death is that ultimate mystery that finds us ready or not. Something inside us is stilled for a moment or more when we reflect on the vacancy now in our lives. Some find a quiet place to mourn privately. Others just express openly. Others are just dazed. Some become stoic. It is a universal experience and it leaves its own intimate mark or scar upon us.
We will recover. We know that. But, like everything else experienced in this mortal journey, we are left with enormous change.
How we cope will say a lot about our own ability to manage disappointment and grief. There is no right or wrong way to go about ones grieving. There are some very fine books which prescribe methods and explain the steps of grieving. One of them, written by a colleague of my acquaintance for more than 20 years, is "Life After Loss." The author is Bob Deits.
Talking with friends or other family members most always offers therapy. Remembering is critical. Good memories are a balm and a salve. Share them generously.
Finding ways to create appropriate memorials in behalf of the deceased, not artificial or temporary, but something permanent that will sustain others in their journeys, can always be done. A small park, a memorial fountain, a scholarship for a person in need, a special gift to a special organization and other ideas can serve as a way to plant a solid reminder of persons whose lives had and will continue to have meaning. Those who knew the deceased can find gratifying fulfillment in participating in such a tribute.
Now is the time to grieve, now is the time to begin sorting it out. My counsel is to avoid "why" questions. Those almost always lead no where or in directions that are only artificially satisfying.
Spiritual solace is often the most helpful. It allows persons to draw on the strength and promise of the positives of mortality and immortality. Judgement is not our role. Compassion and a genuine presence are offerings well made. Expressions of such come in all forms.
So spend some time in solemnity for as long as is needed. Reach out to others who care and aren't afraid to demonstrate that caring. Avoid those who just don't get it. They will often impose hurt, without even knowing it. Find your own solace and strength and hope as you work through this earthquake moment. Breathe deeply. Pray persistently. Hope constantly. Offer love unabashedly. Allow your spirit to soar to places it has not gone before or in a while.
We will prevail and life will be better because of the gift of the lives of our friends or family to all of us.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Simple Faith and a Soaring Spirit!
You may have noticed that this column took the weekend off. Well, its author anyway. There were two reasons. One, I just wanted to see if you would miss Senior Moments and two, we participated in a twentieth year anniversary celebration of the founding of a church in Tucson, Arizona. It was our joy and privilege to be the organizing and founding pastor of Desert Skies United Methodist Church.
It was a lot like seeing ones child all grown up, past the tensions and throes of adolescence and on the road to a respected and well defined maturity. It has built out its need for space for worship, education and recreational activities. It is vibrant in its appeal to volunteers, its caring ministry is superb, its music program excellent, its spirit alive and energetic. The current senior pastor, Dan Hurlbert, leads with a steady hand. Members, new and old, take on their roles and responsibilities with vigor and dedication.
If I weren't retired, it would be the kind of church I would want to serve. It is a Church with compassion and caring as its principal reason to be. It does not allow stiffness, but encourages openness and friendliness and giving definition to one's faith. Churches like Desert Skies emphasize service, inclusion and tolerance.
*Service: members of churches like this spend a lot of time giving of themselves to others; a small flea market at Desert Skies 20 years ago that raised enough money to buy a computer for the church office has now grown into a $60,000 to $80,000 enterprise that supports a number of not-for-profit agencies in the community serving women, children, impoverished and disadvantaged people;
*Inclusion: although Desert Skies is located in a mid to upper middle class community, the congregation includes people of every social class, every skin color and almost every ethnic group in the country;
*Tolerance: all who enter the doors of churches, synagogues and mosques everywhere in this nation should be welcomed with loving open arms!
In short, religious bodies worth their salt affirm a healthy, productive, clear commitment to just being "good people." One shouldn't need to fit a mold, or declare some narrow set of belief systems, or be colored all one shade, or defend any "this is the way it is and that's all there is to it" way of doing things.
I don't know where you go to church, if you do. But I would recommend searching for one that allows stretching and growth and development and challenge and fulfillment and a healthy belief and faith system. When you have found that, if that is your cup of tea, you will have found what it means to be a part of the "priesthood of all believers."
By the way, if you are or want to be a whole person, the church or synagogue or temple or gathering place you choose, doesn't have to be labeled as Methodist or Christian or Unitarian or Hindu or Muslim or whatever. It just needs to be a place where you can feel your spirit soar, to love justice, seek peace and walk humbly with that spirit that reaches deeply into your heart.
That, after all, as simple as it is, is what faith is all about. Shalom!
It was a lot like seeing ones child all grown up, past the tensions and throes of adolescence and on the road to a respected and well defined maturity. It has built out its need for space for worship, education and recreational activities. It is vibrant in its appeal to volunteers, its caring ministry is superb, its music program excellent, its spirit alive and energetic. The current senior pastor, Dan Hurlbert, leads with a steady hand. Members, new and old, take on their roles and responsibilities with vigor and dedication.
If I weren't retired, it would be the kind of church I would want to serve. It is a Church with compassion and caring as its principal reason to be. It does not allow stiffness, but encourages openness and friendliness and giving definition to one's faith. Churches like Desert Skies emphasize service, inclusion and tolerance.
*Service: members of churches like this spend a lot of time giving of themselves to others; a small flea market at Desert Skies 20 years ago that raised enough money to buy a computer for the church office has now grown into a $60,000 to $80,000 enterprise that supports a number of not-for-profit agencies in the community serving women, children, impoverished and disadvantaged people;
*Inclusion: although Desert Skies is located in a mid to upper middle class community, the congregation includes people of every social class, every skin color and almost every ethnic group in the country;
*Tolerance: all who enter the doors of churches, synagogues and mosques everywhere in this nation should be welcomed with loving open arms!
In short, religious bodies worth their salt affirm a healthy, productive, clear commitment to just being "good people." One shouldn't need to fit a mold, or declare some narrow set of belief systems, or be colored all one shade, or defend any "this is the way it is and that's all there is to it" way of doing things.
I don't know where you go to church, if you do. But I would recommend searching for one that allows stretching and growth and development and challenge and fulfillment and a healthy belief and faith system. When you have found that, if that is your cup of tea, you will have found what it means to be a part of the "priesthood of all believers."
By the way, if you are or want to be a whole person, the church or synagogue or temple or gathering place you choose, doesn't have to be labeled as Methodist or Christian or Unitarian or Hindu or Muslim or whatever. It just needs to be a place where you can feel your spirit soar, to love justice, seek peace and walk humbly with that spirit that reaches deeply into your heart.
That, after all, as simple as it is, is what faith is all about. Shalom!
Friday, October 17, 2008
Too Good To Be True
If it is "too good to be true, it probably is!" All rules for economic survival in retirement include this well worn adage. But still there are stories of persons who took the bait and swallowed the hook and lost.
There are enough con and scam artists to keep you busy answering the phone, responding to "once in a lifetime" offers, all of which promise gold at the end of their imaginary rainbow.
Years ago, a "friend" invited me to join him for an evening at a local motel where a group of flim flam men were promoting some pyramid scheme. The principal speaker was attired in a suit and mink (you got it) tie, waving hundred dollar bills and touting the ease of being able, with their program, to "get rich quick." I sat on the very back row and watched the circus unfold. Pressure, promises, and philandering won the day for some there, including my friend. He lost big time.
It is very easy to find ways to lose or badly invest ones funds. The latest situation in the "legitimate" financial world have reminded us again of the reality of risk.
For those who are gullible and easily influenced, there is a strong need to put into effect a means for turning a deaf ear on those whose slick and slimy methods can catch you in their net before you know it.
Having a strong will to say no to telephone solicitors, refusing any door to door callers, trashing all bulk mail invitations, flipping the remote to run away from that beguiling "call now" offer, which repeats the number three or more times, all are disciplines well worth developing and feeling appropriately okay about. One need not be rude, just blunt. So protect yourself, your peace and quiet, your sense of security, by just saying NO THANK YOU! Be prepared for a comeback. Yours is to hang up, close the door, toss the mail, refuse the intrusions however they present themselves.
By the way, if you aren't on the NO CALL LIST, get on it as soon as possible. If you get lots of emails or snail mail solicitations, start blocking them or refusing them. If you are subject to believe everything you see on television or in the newspaper, maybe you need some objective help to be sure you ward off the temptations to respond.
Your retirement and nest egg have been earned at great outlay of energy and thought. Don't toss it away on one sudden "I know I can win the lottery" impulse. You will likely walk away having learned a very painful and costly lesson.
There are enough con and scam artists to keep you busy answering the phone, responding to "once in a lifetime" offers, all of which promise gold at the end of their imaginary rainbow.
Years ago, a "friend" invited me to join him for an evening at a local motel where a group of flim flam men were promoting some pyramid scheme. The principal speaker was attired in a suit and mink (you got it) tie, waving hundred dollar bills and touting the ease of being able, with their program, to "get rich quick." I sat on the very back row and watched the circus unfold. Pressure, promises, and philandering won the day for some there, including my friend. He lost big time.
It is very easy to find ways to lose or badly invest ones funds. The latest situation in the "legitimate" financial world have reminded us again of the reality of risk.
For those who are gullible and easily influenced, there is a strong need to put into effect a means for turning a deaf ear on those whose slick and slimy methods can catch you in their net before you know it.
Having a strong will to say no to telephone solicitors, refusing any door to door callers, trashing all bulk mail invitations, flipping the remote to run away from that beguiling "call now" offer, which repeats the number three or more times, all are disciplines well worth developing and feeling appropriately okay about. One need not be rude, just blunt. So protect yourself, your peace and quiet, your sense of security, by just saying NO THANK YOU! Be prepared for a comeback. Yours is to hang up, close the door, toss the mail, refuse the intrusions however they present themselves.
By the way, if you aren't on the NO CALL LIST, get on it as soon as possible. If you get lots of emails or snail mail solicitations, start blocking them or refusing them. If you are subject to believe everything you see on television or in the newspaper, maybe you need some objective help to be sure you ward off the temptations to respond.
Your retirement and nest egg have been earned at great outlay of energy and thought. Don't toss it away on one sudden "I know I can win the lottery" impulse. You will likely walk away having learned a very painful and costly lesson.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Exercise Your Way to Good Health
Sure, I know it's good for me, that every time I do it I end up better off, my overall disposition is improved, my frame of mind and body frame are both rewarded. So, why is it so darn hard to get up and do it every morning?
Of course, the reference is to exercise, stretching, giving your muscles the natural opportunity to avoid strains, addressing lower back issues, relieve the tension in neck and back and shoulders.
For those who grew up athletic, it is less difficult to keep up the routine. They learned, early on, the benefits of stretching the strain away. They walk a lot, run some, lift weights, work out. What a gift they give to their own bodies. Some of the rest of us, the type who buy exercise machines to use as a clothes rack, don't seem to get it. It is just easier to avoid it and go about doing something else, fooling ourselves into thinking we will do it later. And later never comes.
Who is the loser? Well, of course we are. We just want a magic pill we can take with a glass of juice and get on with our day. Not going to happen! So what will it take to begin all over again and to sustain an exercise regimen?
What to Do:
Start before getting out of bed. Put yourself in a frame of mind to exercise. Begin by doing some stretching in bed. Watch how you rise from your bed. Have a list or a booklet, provided at your physician's office, which will instruct you and keep you on track.
Stay with the exercises until you have spent a minimum of 15 minutes, 30 is better, at the exercises which seem to best address your needs.
If time and opportunity allow, take a brisk walk. If you have dogs, take them along. It's one of their favorite activities. Make the routine one you can enjoy any way possible, but keep up a brisk walk, thus getting your heart rate up.
Now, having done our exercises, don't we feel better? Don't forget a healthy breakfast somewhere in your schedule. Remember, once a week won't do it. Repeat daily, or at minimum three times a week. You won't need to invest in equipment, unless that is your thing. All you will need is motivation. So, go for it!
Of course, the reference is to exercise, stretching, giving your muscles the natural opportunity to avoid strains, addressing lower back issues, relieve the tension in neck and back and shoulders.
For those who grew up athletic, it is less difficult to keep up the routine. They learned, early on, the benefits of stretching the strain away. They walk a lot, run some, lift weights, work out. What a gift they give to their own bodies. Some of the rest of us, the type who buy exercise machines to use as a clothes rack, don't seem to get it. It is just easier to avoid it and go about doing something else, fooling ourselves into thinking we will do it later. And later never comes.
Who is the loser? Well, of course we are. We just want a magic pill we can take with a glass of juice and get on with our day. Not going to happen! So what will it take to begin all over again and to sustain an exercise regimen?
What to Do:
Start before getting out of bed. Put yourself in a frame of mind to exercise. Begin by doing some stretching in bed. Watch how you rise from your bed. Have a list or a booklet, provided at your physician's office, which will instruct you and keep you on track.
Stay with the exercises until you have spent a minimum of 15 minutes, 30 is better, at the exercises which seem to best address your needs.
If time and opportunity allow, take a brisk walk. If you have dogs, take them along. It's one of their favorite activities. Make the routine one you can enjoy any way possible, but keep up a brisk walk, thus getting your heart rate up.
Now, having done our exercises, don't we feel better? Don't forget a healthy breakfast somewhere in your schedule. Remember, once a week won't do it. Repeat daily, or at minimum three times a week. You won't need to invest in equipment, unless that is your thing. All you will need is motivation. So, go for it!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
The Politics of Compassion and Understanding: Compromise
What if your candidate fails to win on November 4? We have been about this national undertaking for well over a year.
This quadrennial episode is like final exams. It is the reckoning of how our democratic republic will be governed in the next four. Either we will pass or fail.
This time, it is as if all of us are up for our PhD dissertations. Although from the behavior of some who cry out crude obscenities, it is as if they are challenging the teacher to teach them anything.
Some will be guided by the demons of prejudice and insecurity and fear. Some will lurk in the alleys and darkened roads, looking for a way to "get even." Some will still be acting out of an adolescence that never quite passed the grade or found its way out of immaturity and insolence. We have already seen and heard them. They have been encouraged by those who make their living stirring up the people in ways that do not deliver promise, only primordial behavior, base and ugly. Somewhere in the dark shadows, we can only hope that truth and goodness and radiant light will shine through.
Has civilization been reduced to such a low denominator that friends have become enemies in our own land? That is not the only option. Somehow, somewhere, we have available the option for civilized behavior.
I call upon each of us to look deeply into our souls and resurrect the inherent goodness and understanding required in tumultuous times. If you think the opposing candidate will wreck havoc, remember the resiliency of our democracy: We survived the presidencies of three men about whom an overwhelming number of citizens (80-82%) disapproved at some point in their tenure—Harry Truman, Richard Nixon and George W. Bush. Time has even changed the historical perspective of both Truman and Nixon.
These are my suggestions:
Resolve to live and work with those you consider ‘different’ from you;
Resolve to disagree in civil ways;
Share your hopes and dreams with everyone!
Open your mind and heart to understanding someone else’s point of view;
Discourage fear and anger wherever you see it;
Adopt a Zero Tolerance for prejudice;
And above all, Resolve to walk humbly with your God.
The operative word here is humbly.
This quadrennial episode is like final exams. It is the reckoning of how our democratic republic will be governed in the next four. Either we will pass or fail.
This time, it is as if all of us are up for our PhD dissertations. Although from the behavior of some who cry out crude obscenities, it is as if they are challenging the teacher to teach them anything.
Some will be guided by the demons of prejudice and insecurity and fear. Some will lurk in the alleys and darkened roads, looking for a way to "get even." Some will still be acting out of an adolescence that never quite passed the grade or found its way out of immaturity and insolence. We have already seen and heard them. They have been encouraged by those who make their living stirring up the people in ways that do not deliver promise, only primordial behavior, base and ugly. Somewhere in the dark shadows, we can only hope that truth and goodness and radiant light will shine through.
Has civilization been reduced to such a low denominator that friends have become enemies in our own land? That is not the only option. Somehow, somewhere, we have available the option for civilized behavior.
I call upon each of us to look deeply into our souls and resurrect the inherent goodness and understanding required in tumultuous times. If you think the opposing candidate will wreck havoc, remember the resiliency of our democracy: We survived the presidencies of three men about whom an overwhelming number of citizens (80-82%) disapproved at some point in their tenure—Harry Truman, Richard Nixon and George W. Bush. Time has even changed the historical perspective of both Truman and Nixon.
These are my suggestions:
Resolve to live and work with those you consider ‘different’ from you;
Resolve to disagree in civil ways;
Share your hopes and dreams with everyone!
Open your mind and heart to understanding someone else’s point of view;
Discourage fear and anger wherever you see it;
Adopt a Zero Tolerance for prejudice;
And above all, Resolve to walk humbly with your God.
The operative word here is humbly.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Don't Waste Your Time!
Wasted time is a pet peeve of mine. I'm retired and I don't have time to waste. That is not to say that all time be spent in productive pursuit. On occasion there is nothing better or wiser to do than study the clouds, look for a rainbow or chase a butterfly.
Wasted time is agreeing to allow oneself into a cul de sac in conversation, in which there is no outlet, except the one you took going in. During an election/campaign period, it's particularly easy to get caught up with someone who is totally opposite your point of view. Many retirees feel passionately about politics. And that passion renders us absolutely unmovable by reason, logic, thought, consideration, fact of seeing any other position or concept. If you enjoy merry go round conversations, much like riding one, then go ahead and try to convert. But if you expect opinions that have developed over many decades to change, (that includes your own, by the way!) the genuine give and take communication about passionate topics often is futile.
Take the religious fundamentalist/literalist whose motto seems to be: "God said it, I believe it and that settles it." Not much room for exchange of ideas.
This past week I have been in an undisclosed location. One day while driving, I flipped on the radio. I hit the seek button and went through every FM station. All I picked up was a series of preachers of various stripes, mostly decrying those who don't believe like they believe.
Later, I went to the AM Band and there I found much the same thing, mostly right wing talk show pundits discussing politics. Like the preachers, they proclaimed that those who don't agree with them are wrong. Now, that is what I call wasted time. So I turned off the radio.
When discourse is reduced to yelling and calling names and putting down, it is not discourse. My recourse is to refuse to waste any time. Trying to move an immovable object creates only one thing: frustration.
I don't try to attempt the impossible any longer. I've never found reason among unreasonable people.
Wasted time is agreeing to allow oneself into a cul de sac in conversation, in which there is no outlet, except the one you took going in. During an election/campaign period, it's particularly easy to get caught up with someone who is totally opposite your point of view. Many retirees feel passionately about politics. And that passion renders us absolutely unmovable by reason, logic, thought, consideration, fact of seeing any other position or concept. If you enjoy merry go round conversations, much like riding one, then go ahead and try to convert. But if you expect opinions that have developed over many decades to change, (that includes your own, by the way!) the genuine give and take communication about passionate topics often is futile.
Take the religious fundamentalist/literalist whose motto seems to be: "God said it, I believe it and that settles it." Not much room for exchange of ideas.
This past week I have been in an undisclosed location. One day while driving, I flipped on the radio. I hit the seek button and went through every FM station. All I picked up was a series of preachers of various stripes, mostly decrying those who don't believe like they believe.
Later, I went to the AM Band and there I found much the same thing, mostly right wing talk show pundits discussing politics. Like the preachers, they proclaimed that those who don't agree with them are wrong. Now, that is what I call wasted time. So I turned off the radio.
When discourse is reduced to yelling and calling names and putting down, it is not discourse. My recourse is to refuse to waste any time. Trying to move an immovable object creates only one thing: frustration.
I don't try to attempt the impossible any longer. I've never found reason among unreasonable people.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Series on Aging: Part Six, Preserving Friendships
There are lots of books and studies and articles advising senior citizens how to keep their immune system healthy. Among the conclusions there is an insight that is particularly helpful to the aging population: Keep your friends!
To be sure, this, like any exercise helpful to body, mind and soul, takes work. It is more than sending an annual Christmas card or letter. I have a friend who, every year at birthday time, remembers to send a greeting card and calls on my birthday. We have known each other since First Grade. That is a true friend.
Obviously it is not likely or possible one will be able to keep all the friends gathered up, like moss on a rock, along life’s journey. However, selecting a few and finding the discipline for keeping in touch, and expecting occasional reciprocation along the way is not out of the realm of satisfying accomplishment.
If you start now, it will be more difficult to reestablish the link, but certainly not impossible. When moving back to Texas, my spouse decided to try to locate neighbors who were our dear friends in Omaha, Nebraska several years before. When we were able to identify their phone number, it was a celebratory moment. We resumed and have enjoyed visiting each other on numerous occasions. Incidentally they had moved to Texas and were no more than three hours away.
Another factor in sustaining friendships is frequent and regular contact. Email has enabled that. Frequent conversations are possible now through email, cell phones, at odd moments when you think about a friend you would just like to contact. The excuse of putting it off, getting to it later will block the joy of the spontaneous. Do it, if at all possible, now as it crosses your mind. If not, then make a note to do so at the first available moment.
Expect a return call. If no initiative is taken by the other party, it may not be worth exploring further. However, don’t judge that prematurely. Give the other party a chance. Perhaps, the timing wasn’t good, there were other legitimate agendas at work, and so on. Whatever, give it time, try again and if still there is no response, the seed has been planted.
Eventually one’s circle will grow larger. Maintaining contact will then be natural and unstructured. It will be done because it is motivated by mutual desire. It will happen because each of you will be on the other’s mind. Now, there is renewal and likely a lasting connection.
This approach does not take the place of developing new friends, which remains an important life goal, but recognizes that old and dear friends will simply supplement a positive emotional environment as you grow older. Casting off old friends is not an exercise like cleaning out your closet. If you discard something from your closet, you can likely replace it. Losing a friend is a lifetime and forever loss.
To be sure, this, like any exercise helpful to body, mind and soul, takes work. It is more than sending an annual Christmas card or letter. I have a friend who, every year at birthday time, remembers to send a greeting card and calls on my birthday. We have known each other since First Grade. That is a true friend.
Obviously it is not likely or possible one will be able to keep all the friends gathered up, like moss on a rock, along life’s journey. However, selecting a few and finding the discipline for keeping in touch, and expecting occasional reciprocation along the way is not out of the realm of satisfying accomplishment.
If you start now, it will be more difficult to reestablish the link, but certainly not impossible. When moving back to Texas, my spouse decided to try to locate neighbors who were our dear friends in Omaha, Nebraska several years before. When we were able to identify their phone number, it was a celebratory moment. We resumed and have enjoyed visiting each other on numerous occasions. Incidentally they had moved to Texas and were no more than three hours away.
Another factor in sustaining friendships is frequent and regular contact. Email has enabled that. Frequent conversations are possible now through email, cell phones, at odd moments when you think about a friend you would just like to contact. The excuse of putting it off, getting to it later will block the joy of the spontaneous. Do it, if at all possible, now as it crosses your mind. If not, then make a note to do so at the first available moment.
Expect a return call. If no initiative is taken by the other party, it may not be worth exploring further. However, don’t judge that prematurely. Give the other party a chance. Perhaps, the timing wasn’t good, there were other legitimate agendas at work, and so on. Whatever, give it time, try again and if still there is no response, the seed has been planted.
Eventually one’s circle will grow larger. Maintaining contact will then be natural and unstructured. It will be done because it is motivated by mutual desire. It will happen because each of you will be on the other’s mind. Now, there is renewal and likely a lasting connection.
This approach does not take the place of developing new friends, which remains an important life goal, but recognizes that old and dear friends will simply supplement a positive emotional environment as you grow older. Casting off old friends is not an exercise like cleaning out your closet. If you discard something from your closet, you can likely replace it. Losing a friend is a lifetime and forever loss.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Aging Gracefully: Giving Up Things as You Grow Older
Scaling back is a necessary and important task facing seniors as they grow older. It is just not possible to keep everything accumulated by the aging population. There comes the time for sorting. A lot of “things” are easy to toss. Some, with sentimental value, are more difficult. So, one needs to start not so much with a strategy, that comes later, but a philosophy.
That philosophy may sound like this: Have I squeezed all the use, joy, satisfaction out of the item under consideration; does anyone in family or acquaintance have any attachment to it; will I regret having discarded it in a month or a year? Having worked out these considerations, it is time to move to strategy.
Much easier than philosophy, strategy simply requires logic and reasoning. Of course, if these are new behaviors for you, then strategy will also be a struggle. Some of the issues involved in strategy involve, time, long term expectations, assumption of responsibility, consideration of others who will be left with the task, eventually, if you don’t act.
As for time, it will take a commitment to the discipline of time to be serious about this undertaking. How long will I give myself to this; how much pondering will I allow myself over what I want to keep and toss; when I have chosen, where will I put it so it doesn’t tempt reconsideration?
One’s long term expectations are also critical in this exercise. If you are living in a large, commodious house with tons of storage, there may be a family agreement to just pass it on as is. If you expect to move, however, at some foreseeable time in the future, then the matter shifts into needing to evaluate the consequences.
Assumption of responsibility is another of the more critical influences to be taken into consideration. Leaving the load for someone else to carry may be an escape route, but it is not one that allows for mutual discussion and problem solving for everyone involved in the outcome. Bringing other members of the family into the process will be a means for being sure that a referee will be present as choices are made; that everyone will have a chance to choose what is really important for them to have and keep; for no one to have a piece of etrocia (e trosh ia) thrust upon them they never really liked; and to have help in the sorting through process, thus reducing the load for everyone. One other thing, for the things you have decided to keep, eliminate them from the inventory. However, it may be a good time to make a list of preferences which can be exercised when the time comes.
All of this assumes your willingness to be up front about mortality. For all of us, it isn’t an if, it is a when!
One of the things absolutely required to be given up is the fantasy of living forever. Your things may have a longer physical life span than you, but memories of you will be manifest in “the things” as those who hold them will readily and happily discover.
That philosophy may sound like this: Have I squeezed all the use, joy, satisfaction out of the item under consideration; does anyone in family or acquaintance have any attachment to it; will I regret having discarded it in a month or a year? Having worked out these considerations, it is time to move to strategy.
Much easier than philosophy, strategy simply requires logic and reasoning. Of course, if these are new behaviors for you, then strategy will also be a struggle. Some of the issues involved in strategy involve, time, long term expectations, assumption of responsibility, consideration of others who will be left with the task, eventually, if you don’t act.
As for time, it will take a commitment to the discipline of time to be serious about this undertaking. How long will I give myself to this; how much pondering will I allow myself over what I want to keep and toss; when I have chosen, where will I put it so it doesn’t tempt reconsideration?
One’s long term expectations are also critical in this exercise. If you are living in a large, commodious house with tons of storage, there may be a family agreement to just pass it on as is. If you expect to move, however, at some foreseeable time in the future, then the matter shifts into needing to evaluate the consequences.
Assumption of responsibility is another of the more critical influences to be taken into consideration. Leaving the load for someone else to carry may be an escape route, but it is not one that allows for mutual discussion and problem solving for everyone involved in the outcome. Bringing other members of the family into the process will be a means for being sure that a referee will be present as choices are made; that everyone will have a chance to choose what is really important for them to have and keep; for no one to have a piece of etrocia (e trosh ia) thrust upon them they never really liked; and to have help in the sorting through process, thus reducing the load for everyone. One other thing, for the things you have decided to keep, eliminate them from the inventory. However, it may be a good time to make a list of preferences which can be exercised when the time comes.
All of this assumes your willingness to be up front about mortality. For all of us, it isn’t an if, it is a when!
One of the things absolutely required to be given up is the fantasy of living forever. Your things may have a longer physical life span than you, but memories of you will be manifest in “the things” as those who hold them will readily and happily discover.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Creative Thinking in an Economic Downturn
No long trips, fewer shopping sprees, less frequent family visits, no air travel, except in emergencies, reducing going out to eat, this is what can be expected in an economic downturn, particularly one as serious as we currently face.
What is one to do? How does one come up with creative possibilities for a break from the real world, for enjoying one’s family, children, grandchildren, life? We who have become so accustomed to doing what we want to do when we want to do it may find it hard to tighten the belt, but almost everyone is now faced with such a likelihood.
Here are some clues: Pretend, assuming there really isn’t one, a snow storm or rain storm is raging, plan an evening when everyone stays in and plays table games for the evening or weekend, pop popcorn, make fudge, create s’mores. Have a “scary story night,” obviously I am trying to appeal to situations in which children may be or can be present. Plan and execute, with the help of others, a Neighborhood Scavenger hunt. Put together a “Watch the Stars Night.”
When needing to shop, make a list and go to Thrift Stores, Goodwill, Salvation Army, helping them, while reducing your own costs. This is a good time to think about Christmas decorations, other holidays upcoming. Combine your shopping and errand trips…make a gas effective map. If time permits, make a picnic, stop by a park or public gathering place where there are tables or other attractions. Enjoy the afternoon.
If travel is a challenge for family members, choose a neutral location midway (if that is realistic) between the two homes, choose less costly housing options, take along some of the food for the trip, avoid restaurants. Go to places that are cost free or very inexpensive. If children are involved, this will be a lifetime learning moment. It may also give occasion to remember when you were less flush with discretionary funds.
If you have means for communicating over the Internet via video cam, so you may enjoy each other’s visage, do so with some frequency. If you have a video, download family events, sports activities, birthday celebrations, and send along to those who will most appreciate them.
Spend time reading, perhaps to each other. Go through all the old photo albums and have a trip down memory lane, without leaving the comfort of your own home. Choose magazines and books that you no longer need, share them with people or organizations that can redistribute them. Discover ways to volunteer near your home, maybe within walking distance, thus getting exercise, another benefit.
Walk your pet or, if available, take him/her/them to a pet park at least once a week. Decide to do your own grooming. Begin to redefine necessity in all you do.
If you still have slides or have had them converted, along with old 8 mm films, etc spend an evening bringing them out to watch and laugh together.
Is there any end to the creative and imaginative ways we can choose to spend our time without having to spend so much money? Now is a good time to find out.
What is one to do? How does one come up with creative possibilities for a break from the real world, for enjoying one’s family, children, grandchildren, life? We who have become so accustomed to doing what we want to do when we want to do it may find it hard to tighten the belt, but almost everyone is now faced with such a likelihood.
Here are some clues: Pretend, assuming there really isn’t one, a snow storm or rain storm is raging, plan an evening when everyone stays in and plays table games for the evening or weekend, pop popcorn, make fudge, create s’mores. Have a “scary story night,” obviously I am trying to appeal to situations in which children may be or can be present. Plan and execute, with the help of others, a Neighborhood Scavenger hunt. Put together a “Watch the Stars Night.”
When needing to shop, make a list and go to Thrift Stores, Goodwill, Salvation Army, helping them, while reducing your own costs. This is a good time to think about Christmas decorations, other holidays upcoming. Combine your shopping and errand trips…make a gas effective map. If time permits, make a picnic, stop by a park or public gathering place where there are tables or other attractions. Enjoy the afternoon.
If travel is a challenge for family members, choose a neutral location midway (if that is realistic) between the two homes, choose less costly housing options, take along some of the food for the trip, avoid restaurants. Go to places that are cost free or very inexpensive. If children are involved, this will be a lifetime learning moment. It may also give occasion to remember when you were less flush with discretionary funds.
If you have means for communicating over the Internet via video cam, so you may enjoy each other’s visage, do so with some frequency. If you have a video, download family events, sports activities, birthday celebrations, and send along to those who will most appreciate them.
Spend time reading, perhaps to each other. Go through all the old photo albums and have a trip down memory lane, without leaving the comfort of your own home. Choose magazines and books that you no longer need, share them with people or organizations that can redistribute them. Discover ways to volunteer near your home, maybe within walking distance, thus getting exercise, another benefit.
Walk your pet or, if available, take him/her/them to a pet park at least once a week. Decide to do your own grooming. Begin to redefine necessity in all you do.
If you still have slides or have had them converted, along with old 8 mm films, etc spend an evening bringing them out to watch and laugh together.
Is there any end to the creative and imaginative ways we can choose to spend our time without having to spend so much money? Now is a good time to find out.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Series on Aging: Part Five, Aging and Volunteerism
What can I do? As a member of the aging population, I don’t want to just sit in my rocking chair. A previous article, “Retirement: Boundless Opportunities and Wide Open Doors,” broached this subject a while back. Response to it has been very positive. So, let’s look at it again and from another perspective, focusing on seniors as volunteers.
The first piece for us to examine is: where do I gain the greatest satisfaction? There are as many ways to invest time and energy as there are retirees. Considerations include: do I want to do something mental, physical, a combination; something with people, something more isolated; something which uses my skills or helps develop new ones; something working with my peers or a whole different group of people; something that is service oriented; something that keeps me sharp and on my toes or something mindless; something which involves both sexes or just mine?
Having looked at these and concluded which have the greatest appeal for you, then it is time to move to square # 2.
Beyond volunteering for personal satisfaction, what other issues need to be taken into account? One, of course, may be what are the time and physical demands? Will this activity take charge of your life or will you still remain the boss?
Examples of voluntarism that are available in most communities include: local library, golf course aide, local food bank, working with environmental groups, assisting in your local church, joining a civic club that has loads of community projects, organizing litter patrols for your neighborhood, working in a thrift shop, coaching kids in sports activities, visiting in or assisting in hospitals or care facilities, working on the staff of a local museum or as a docent in a botanical garden or other nature setting; helping older persons with errands and keeping track of their important appointments; being a crosswalk guard; teaching a class in the local Continuing Ed program or taking one; taking on a new sport, e.g. archery, roller blades; or exploring something you always wished you had done such as art (you name the genre); how about gourmet cooking, learning to play the piano, crochet and knitting, another language, radio controlled model planes?
What it comes down to, is it really is up to you and your motivation, interest and willingness. My father-in-law, at 92, often says: “too soon old, too late smaht.” While it is intended to be a humorous remark, it serves as a reminder that we do grow old and we can keep learning. So take on the rest of what’s left and enjoy yourself and your world just as you go about creating and recreating it. Happy volunteering!
The first piece for us to examine is: where do I gain the greatest satisfaction? There are as many ways to invest time and energy as there are retirees. Considerations include: do I want to do something mental, physical, a combination; something with people, something more isolated; something which uses my skills or helps develop new ones; something working with my peers or a whole different group of people; something that is service oriented; something that keeps me sharp and on my toes or something mindless; something which involves both sexes or just mine?
Having looked at these and concluded which have the greatest appeal for you, then it is time to move to square # 2.
Beyond volunteering for personal satisfaction, what other issues need to be taken into account? One, of course, may be what are the time and physical demands? Will this activity take charge of your life or will you still remain the boss?
Examples of voluntarism that are available in most communities include: local library, golf course aide, local food bank, working with environmental groups, assisting in your local church, joining a civic club that has loads of community projects, organizing litter patrols for your neighborhood, working in a thrift shop, coaching kids in sports activities, visiting in or assisting in hospitals or care facilities, working on the staff of a local museum or as a docent in a botanical garden or other nature setting; helping older persons with errands and keeping track of their important appointments; being a crosswalk guard; teaching a class in the local Continuing Ed program or taking one; taking on a new sport, e.g. archery, roller blades; or exploring something you always wished you had done such as art (you name the genre); how about gourmet cooking, learning to play the piano, crochet and knitting, another language, radio controlled model planes?
What it comes down to, is it really is up to you and your motivation, interest and willingness. My father-in-law, at 92, often says: “too soon old, too late smaht.” While it is intended to be a humorous remark, it serves as a reminder that we do grow old and we can keep learning. So take on the rest of what’s left and enjoy yourself and your world just as you go about creating and recreating it. Happy volunteering!
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Seniors in the Future: The Changing Census
An article in Thursday's New York Times reveals a set of statistics which gives pause to the senior citizen or baby boomer facing retirement.
It is authored by Sam Roberts and flies under Jane Gross' column, "The New Old Age." Well researched and sharply poignant, the article helps us understand the demographics of aging over the next almost 50 years.
Roberts begins by pointing out that today 13% of Americans are over 65. By 2030, that figure will more than double to 89 million. By 2025, those achieving the centenarian mark will rise from 80,000 today to 175k then. In 2035, those 85 and over will jump from 5 million now to 11.5 million then. And, in the 2020's deaths will outnumber births among whites.
Starting to get the idea? The rumblings of such change have been growing for the past 50 years and more. The demographic changes in the American landscape will alter almost everything. No protests, bills in Congress, personal disbelief or reluctance to accommodate these figures will change the shift which will touch us all. Cultural, political, educational, geographic, financial and every other category of human activity will be included in this seismic shift.
More, by 2050, the median age among non-Hispanic whites will be 44.6%/ In other words whites will no longer dominate the majority population. Our son and daughter will be 83 and 84 respectively by then. Their attitudes today suggest they will have adjusted well to these dynamics. Those who don't or can't will likely end up miserable.
The population of Asians by then will represent 43.4%; African Americans (identified as blacks in the article) will be 38.9% and Hispanics, 31.2%.
So, get on board, little children, the train is pulling out from the station as we speak. It behooves all of us to examine our own perspectives on a multi cultural, likely bi lingual, and rainbow population as we will be compelled to participate in the shifting sands of the American population. I suggest it is certainly not too early to start, or even for those past 65, not too late!
It is authored by Sam Roberts and flies under Jane Gross' column, "The New Old Age." Well researched and sharply poignant, the article helps us understand the demographics of aging over the next almost 50 years.
Roberts begins by pointing out that today 13% of Americans are over 65. By 2030, that figure will more than double to 89 million. By 2025, those achieving the centenarian mark will rise from 80,000 today to 175k then. In 2035, those 85 and over will jump from 5 million now to 11.5 million then. And, in the 2020's deaths will outnumber births among whites.
Starting to get the idea? The rumblings of such change have been growing for the past 50 years and more. The demographic changes in the American landscape will alter almost everything. No protests, bills in Congress, personal disbelief or reluctance to accommodate these figures will change the shift which will touch us all. Cultural, political, educational, geographic, financial and every other category of human activity will be included in this seismic shift.
More, by 2050, the median age among non-Hispanic whites will be 44.6%/ In other words whites will no longer dominate the majority population. Our son and daughter will be 83 and 84 respectively by then. Their attitudes today suggest they will have adjusted well to these dynamics. Those who don't or can't will likely end up miserable.
The population of Asians by then will represent 43.4%; African Americans (identified as blacks in the article) will be 38.9% and Hispanics, 31.2%.
So, get on board, little children, the train is pulling out from the station as we speak. It behooves all of us to examine our own perspectives on a multi cultural, likely bi lingual, and rainbow population as we will be compelled to participate in the shifting sands of the American population. I suggest it is certainly not too early to start, or even for those past 65, not too late!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Series on Aging: Part Four, When Should I Give Up Driving?
Most seniors in retirement learned to drive at a time in our culture when being behind the wheel seemed to add to ones ego. Our automobiles were an extension of us. For males, it had to do with masculinity, arriving, having a leg up. Not being a female, I don't know how they felt. My guess is that it just served as a convenience.
Over the years, the extension of that macho image, came to be exercised in the particular car we chose to drive. In Texas and Arizona, apparently all over the country, that translated into big, brawny pickups. For families, it became the SUV, and so on. You get the picture.
So, all of this contributes to our identifying our ability to drive as a symbol of independence and competency. As we grow older, driving becomes more and more a serious question of driving skills and ability as well as safety..
There are many horror stories related to older persons driving and having accidents which cause major trauma, damage, crippling effects and even death. Such events are reminders of our own need to evaluate our ability to drive with objective insight.
Many are the times when families come face to face with this issue and pits reason against sentiment. There are a variety of tell-tale signs which ought to indicate that it is time to confront the matter and discuss with calmness and reality. Primary signs of potential driving issues include diminished eyesight, slower reflex response time, limited neck range-of-motion which interferes with turning ones head to see other nearby vehicles, and driving too slowly in an attempt to compensate.
For the best results, it would be helpful if the aging driver in this scenario, i.e. the one about whom there are questions, would bring it up him/herself. That will likely not happen. It does now and again. But, usually the reluctance to surrender independence is the prevailing issue on the table.
That doesn't make it easy. If the senior has already moved from their principal residence to a facility, then it is even more difficult to broach the subject. However, if staff at the facility and social workers and nurses and physicians are brought into the circle, not literally but advisedly, then it will improve the possibilities of a more pleasant outcome.
Another aid is being sure that when the license comes due, it is done in person. That will enable vision testing, answering questions, and, at least, inviting another source of judgment into the picture.
This decision will not be well made if it is made without considerable discussion and reflection on the part of all involved. So, start early enough before some episode or accident forces it. Enable the older driver to maintain some dignity. Be sure they will have other sources of transportation available to them. Don't expect that they will want to surrender other activities in their life, just because they can't drive any longer.
And then, as always, hug them and tell them how much you care for them and how important it is to keep them safe.
Over the years, the extension of that macho image, came to be exercised in the particular car we chose to drive. In Texas and Arizona, apparently all over the country, that translated into big, brawny pickups. For families, it became the SUV, and so on. You get the picture.
So, all of this contributes to our identifying our ability to drive as a symbol of independence and competency. As we grow older, driving becomes more and more a serious question of driving skills and ability as well as safety..
There are many horror stories related to older persons driving and having accidents which cause major trauma, damage, crippling effects and even death. Such events are reminders of our own need to evaluate our ability to drive with objective insight.
Many are the times when families come face to face with this issue and pits reason against sentiment. There are a variety of tell-tale signs which ought to indicate that it is time to confront the matter and discuss with calmness and reality. Primary signs of potential driving issues include diminished eyesight, slower reflex response time, limited neck range-of-motion which interferes with turning ones head to see other nearby vehicles, and driving too slowly in an attempt to compensate.
For the best results, it would be helpful if the aging driver in this scenario, i.e. the one about whom there are questions, would bring it up him/herself. That will likely not happen. It does now and again. But, usually the reluctance to surrender independence is the prevailing issue on the table.
That doesn't make it easy. If the senior has already moved from their principal residence to a facility, then it is even more difficult to broach the subject. However, if staff at the facility and social workers and nurses and physicians are brought into the circle, not literally but advisedly, then it will improve the possibilities of a more pleasant outcome.
Another aid is being sure that when the license comes due, it is done in person. That will enable vision testing, answering questions, and, at least, inviting another source of judgment into the picture.
This decision will not be well made if it is made without considerable discussion and reflection on the part of all involved. So, start early enough before some episode or accident forces it. Enable the older driver to maintain some dignity. Be sure they will have other sources of transportation available to them. Don't expect that they will want to surrender other activities in their life, just because they can't drive any longer.
And then, as always, hug them and tell them how much you care for them and how important it is to keep them safe.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Series on Aging: Part Three, Checking on Your Memory
Where are those keys? What did I do with my eyeglasses, the book I was reading, my wallet, etc. ad nauseum? Sound familiar?
Loss of memory is a state of mind! Now that's really profound. Of course it is and that is why most of us, when it begins to happen, become anxious and concerned. Both of those reactions, by the way, only contribute to further anxiety, thus blocking our ability for recall.
So, what can I do about it? How do I deal with this frustrating time loss of searching for things and becoming more and more upset as I do so? Good question. There may be no real good answer, but there are some clues for dealing with it. These are offered for your consideration:
&$#When feeling the need to find a misplaced item, write down what you are looking for; place the note on a desk, a kitchen counter, the refrigerator or somewhere you will see it later.
&$#Do not, under any circumstances, panic. Whatever it is you are searching for can likely be replaced anyway.
&$#Give yourself time to do other things. It is very likely your subconscious will kick in and guide you to the item.
&$#Most memory loss is not associated with early Alzheimer's. Be confident that you are not losing it (your mind), but just something you were just using.
&$#Make something of a joke out of it. There are increasing numbers of great stories related to forgetfulness. Write down your humorous ones and send them along to Life in These United States at Readers Digest.
&$#Don't resort to shouting and cursing (see symbols to left). It won't do any good. And don't tear up the house looking. You will then just have to put everything back where it belongs. But, of course if you did that, you might find some other things you had previously misplaced.
&$#Don't blame someone else for your own forgetfulness. That, too, won't do any good. Other than raising the frustration level in the house, it will only delay finding what you are looking for.
&$#If someone else finds the item, don't fail to show your gratitude.
&$#When/if someone suggests you may have a medical issue, be kind in responding; be aware of the possibility that you have memory issues beginning. Be ready to seek medical care when the time comes to check it out.
&$#Before it happens again, check on some of your behaviors to see what contributes to your misplacing things. This may be a way to check yourself at the door to your bedroom, study, basement, garage wherever. And, then again, it may all be just a trick to keep us busy, since we are now retired and often looking for something to do!
Loss of memory is a state of mind! Now that's really profound. Of course it is and that is why most of us, when it begins to happen, become anxious and concerned. Both of those reactions, by the way, only contribute to further anxiety, thus blocking our ability for recall.
So, what can I do about it? How do I deal with this frustrating time loss of searching for things and becoming more and more upset as I do so? Good question. There may be no real good answer, but there are some clues for dealing with it. These are offered for your consideration:
&$#When feeling the need to find a misplaced item, write down what you are looking for; place the note on a desk, a kitchen counter, the refrigerator or somewhere you will see it later.
&$#Do not, under any circumstances, panic. Whatever it is you are searching for can likely be replaced anyway.
&$#Give yourself time to do other things. It is very likely your subconscious will kick in and guide you to the item.
&$#Most memory loss is not associated with early Alzheimer's. Be confident that you are not losing it (your mind), but just something you were just using.
&$#Make something of a joke out of it. There are increasing numbers of great stories related to forgetfulness. Write down your humorous ones and send them along to Life in These United States at Readers Digest.
&$#Don't resort to shouting and cursing (see symbols to left). It won't do any good. And don't tear up the house looking. You will then just have to put everything back where it belongs. But, of course if you did that, you might find some other things you had previously misplaced.
&$#Don't blame someone else for your own forgetfulness. That, too, won't do any good. Other than raising the frustration level in the house, it will only delay finding what you are looking for.
&$#If someone else finds the item, don't fail to show your gratitude.
&$#When/if someone suggests you may have a medical issue, be kind in responding; be aware of the possibility that you have memory issues beginning. Be ready to seek medical care when the time comes to check it out.
&$#Before it happens again, check on some of your behaviors to see what contributes to your misplacing things. This may be a way to check yourself at the door to your bedroom, study, basement, garage wherever. And, then again, it may all be just a trick to keep us busy, since we are now retired and often looking for something to do!
Monday, October 6, 2008
How Do I Decide When it's Time for a Hearing Aid?
Seniors everywhere face a series of potentially debilitating health issues. The aging process is full of a variety of breakdowns in our physical health. For example, many senior citizens face hearing loss. Thank goodness hearing aids are available to compensate. However, how in the world do I decide it's time for a hearing aid? Here are some tests for making that determination:
)How many times a day do I ask someone to repeat what they just said?
)How often do I find myself pretending to have heard when I really didn't?
)How often does my spouse, partner or significant other point out my hearing is increasingly an obvious disability?
)How do I overcome my vanity to have a hearing test?
)How do I find a facility that is not going to just try to sell me a product?
)How do I deal with the outlay of what feels like an exorbitant cost for these devices?
)How do I make sure that from among all the products available I am getting the one that will work for me best and will not break my bank?
)How do I go in for a test and reduce my defenses so that I may deal objectively with the outcome?
Okay, here are the tests! Now print this and have your spouse, partner or significant other ask you these questions one by one. Have them give you feedback on your responses. If you and he/she dealt with them openly and honestly, you should be ready to take the next step: denial, affirmation and action, or delay.
Here's to good hearing!
)How many times a day do I ask someone to repeat what they just said?
)How often do I find myself pretending to have heard when I really didn't?
)How often does my spouse, partner or significant other point out my hearing is increasingly an obvious disability?
)How do I overcome my vanity to have a hearing test?
)How do I find a facility that is not going to just try to sell me a product?
)How do I deal with the outlay of what feels like an exorbitant cost for these devices?
)How do I make sure that from among all the products available I am getting the one that will work for me best and will not break my bank?
)How do I go in for a test and reduce my defenses so that I may deal objectively with the outcome?
Okay, here are the tests! Now print this and have your spouse, partner or significant other ask you these questions one by one. Have them give you feedback on your responses. If you and he/she dealt with them openly and honestly, you should be ready to take the next step: denial, affirmation and action, or delay.
Here's to good hearing!
Sunday, October 5, 2008
A LifeTime Inventory: Time to Weigh Needs and Wants
Early reports on the financial crisis suggest at least a part of most retirees' nest eggs has taken a hit. No surprise. There are a lot of us out here who will need to do some serious reckoning with our resources. Retirees are especially vulnerable, for the most part, because there isn't a steady income stream when investments are removed from the picture. Social Security and some pension plans help, but can't cover most living expenses.
There is the rub. It is now appropriate to do a Lifestyle Inventory. This is the moment to determine the needs and wants in our lives and to make the hard choices about what to eliminate, scale down, or reconsider.
Here are some starters:
*Going out to eat.
*Cutting out impulse buying and frivolous purchases. You have to decide what these are for you.
*Consolidating trips to town for incidentals, appointments, uncertain destinations.
*Including everyone in the family to make their own lists and determining their own disciplines.
+Shopping with more intentionality, care and planning. Why not try the local Goodwill?
*Being aware of others and their needs. Don't let the local food bank shelves go empty or the Salvation Army and Goodwill Stores be without supplies. They are a life source to many.
*Volunteer instead of playing golf or spending idle time at cost intensive activities.
+Plan to continue reviewing your situation (as a group) regularly. Have some method of accountability.
These are a few of the proactive responses one can give to deal with the new economy. Try them on, create your own list, but get serious and be aware that old habits die hard!
There is the rub. It is now appropriate to do a Lifestyle Inventory. This is the moment to determine the needs and wants in our lives and to make the hard choices about what to eliminate, scale down, or reconsider.
Here are some starters:
*Going out to eat.
*Cutting out impulse buying and frivolous purchases. You have to decide what these are for you.
*Consolidating trips to town for incidentals, appointments, uncertain destinations.
*Including everyone in the family to make their own lists and determining their own disciplines.
+Shopping with more intentionality, care and planning. Why not try the local Goodwill?
*Being aware of others and their needs. Don't let the local food bank shelves go empty or the Salvation Army and Goodwill Stores be without supplies. They are a life source to many.
*Volunteer instead of playing golf or spending idle time at cost intensive activities.
+Plan to continue reviewing your situation (as a group) regularly. Have some method of accountability.
These are a few of the proactive responses one can give to deal with the new economy. Try them on, create your own list, but get serious and be aware that old habits die hard!
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Series on Aging: Part Two, When Caregivers Give Out
A whole milieu of human experiences is introduced to the person who serves as pastor in charge of a local church. Among those is dealing with senior citizens, couples in particular, who are dealing with a very serious illness of one or the other. Often, these illnesses include cancer, Alzheimer's, a multitude of other ailments which create debilitating circumstances.
The one who is ill, if aware, surely does not find joy in placing such a heavy responsibility on his/her mate. Often, these are situations which occur before hospice care is available. Sometimes, the dynamic is influenced by economics. For others, it is just wanting to be near and with and helpful to ones mate.
There are, however, some very seriously compromising matters which come with trying to be available and able to care for someone in the home. These are some of the issues which need to be considered:
+Assuming your own health is reasonably good, the situation will likely be manageable at first.
However, one must evaluate the condition and demands of the ill partner before jumping in too
fast.
+Consider your housing arrangement and situation. Will it complement the needs of the patient; does it offer sufficient space for other activities to go on in the house, while the patient is sleeping; can an overnight guest be comfortable in your home, if visiting, or perhaps giving you a needed respite
+Are there persons who can come by for a visit, giving you opportunity to get out of the house for awhile, to run errands, take care of your own needs, meet appointments, and so on?
+Can you continue to do some of the things you would like to do to keep your own serenity and composure in a very difficult situation?
+Do you have distractions which you may engage in, giving your body and mind a chance for a break?
+Is there a Stephen Ministry or other helpful program in your local church which can offer regular visits, help with some of the day to day routines, etc.?
+Will you need someone with whom you talk through your own feelings and issues as you go through this process?
+Are necessary legal and financial matters all arranged, so that will not have to be done later?
+Are there discussions you need to have with your partner? Can you find the motivation to do that?
+Will you be able to get sufficient rest and sleep, most nights, as you go through this event?
+Assuming this is a terminal situation, have agreements been reached to deal with all of the details?
+Are you and your children, if any, on the same page? If not, this can be very disruptive to everyone.
+Will you be able to maintain a healthy diet? Loss of weight is often an indicator the Caregiver is giving out.
+Is your spiritual life such that you can draw help from that?
+Will you be able to make the decision, when the time comes, to move the patient from home to hospice or some other facility, knowing it will be in the self interest of both of you?
These are just some of the considerations for the Caregiver. Avoiding any or most of these may compromise your own ability to deal adequately with the situation. I have known Caregivers who have died before the Care Receiver because of literal exhaustion and just being overwhelmed by it all. Choose your course wisely and carefully. Recognize that it will likely be the hardest decision you have ever made. Allow yourself some exits. Don't be so stubborn that you are unable to hear the counsel and observations of others. Don't be sucked in by guilt.
The one who is ill, if aware, surely does not find joy in placing such a heavy responsibility on his/her mate. Often, these are situations which occur before hospice care is available. Sometimes, the dynamic is influenced by economics. For others, it is just wanting to be near and with and helpful to ones mate.
There are, however, some very seriously compromising matters which come with trying to be available and able to care for someone in the home. These are some of the issues which need to be considered:
+Assuming your own health is reasonably good, the situation will likely be manageable at first.
However, one must evaluate the condition and demands of the ill partner before jumping in too
fast.
+Consider your housing arrangement and situation. Will it complement the needs of the patient; does it offer sufficient space for other activities to go on in the house, while the patient is sleeping; can an overnight guest be comfortable in your home, if visiting, or perhaps giving you a needed respite
+Are there persons who can come by for a visit, giving you opportunity to get out of the house for awhile, to run errands, take care of your own needs, meet appointments, and so on?
+Can you continue to do some of the things you would like to do to keep your own serenity and composure in a very difficult situation?
+Do you have distractions which you may engage in, giving your body and mind a chance for a break?
+Is there a Stephen Ministry or other helpful program in your local church which can offer regular visits, help with some of the day to day routines, etc.?
+Will you need someone with whom you talk through your own feelings and issues as you go through this process?
+Are necessary legal and financial matters all arranged, so that will not have to be done later?
+Are there discussions you need to have with your partner? Can you find the motivation to do that?
+Will you be able to get sufficient rest and sleep, most nights, as you go through this event?
+Assuming this is a terminal situation, have agreements been reached to deal with all of the details?
+Are you and your children, if any, on the same page? If not, this can be very disruptive to everyone.
+Will you be able to maintain a healthy diet? Loss of weight is often an indicator the Caregiver is giving out.
+Is your spiritual life such that you can draw help from that?
+Will you be able to make the decision, when the time comes, to move the patient from home to hospice or some other facility, knowing it will be in the self interest of both of you?
These are just some of the considerations for the Caregiver. Avoiding any or most of these may compromise your own ability to deal adequately with the situation. I have known Caregivers who have died before the Care Receiver because of literal exhaustion and just being overwhelmed by it all. Choose your course wisely and carefully. Recognize that it will likely be the hardest decision you have ever made. Allow yourself some exits. Don't be so stubborn that you are unable to hear the counsel and observations of others. Don't be sucked in by guilt.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Series on Aging: Part One, Looking for a Place to Retire
Looking for traces of Mayberry as a location for retirement? Well, there are numerous lists, found frequently on the Internet, which espouse the qualities of various communities and cities around the country.
It all depends on what the individual or couple is searching for. Those are the preliminary considerations that must be settled first. Knowing you will not find everything you want in one place will be an important starting point. Recognizing that, if you choose to relocate from where you have spent a considerable amount of time, you will need to take into account all the required adjustments that will come with it.
So here we go on the road to where you might want to spend at least the first or middle or some part of your retirement years.
+Get a map of the USA or World.
+Depending upon your preferences and financial ability, pinpoint about 6 or 8 options.
+Ask serious questions: Is that too far from the kids? What do you know about medical services? How far will your funds stretch? Should you buy or lease? How about a motor home?
What about needing stability? If your parents are still alive, how about their welfare?
+What services, entertainment, cultural, on going educational and recreational opportunities will be available?
+How near is an airport?
+How near shopping do you wish to be? How about traffic and noise, is it important to be in a more serene environment or do you prefer the energy of the city?
+Will you need a new vehicle, how will that fit into your budget?
+Is it important that one of you, or both, has the chance for either full time or part time employment?
+Have you considered living arrangements in more than one place, commuting between the two?
+What role do issues of safety, cleanliness, environmental considerations, scenery, etc mean to you?
+Will you move lock, stock and barrel or start minimizing?
These are for starters. We will revisit this issue in a few weeks to see what else you may suggest or we have come up with which may be helpful.
See you somewhere on the way.
It all depends on what the individual or couple is searching for. Those are the preliminary considerations that must be settled first. Knowing you will not find everything you want in one place will be an important starting point. Recognizing that, if you choose to relocate from where you have spent a considerable amount of time, you will need to take into account all the required adjustments that will come with it.
So here we go on the road to where you might want to spend at least the first or middle or some part of your retirement years.
+Get a map of the USA or World.
+Depending upon your preferences and financial ability, pinpoint about 6 or 8 options.
+Ask serious questions: Is that too far from the kids? What do you know about medical services? How far will your funds stretch? Should you buy or lease? How about a motor home?
What about needing stability? If your parents are still alive, how about their welfare?
+What services, entertainment, cultural, on going educational and recreational opportunities will be available?
+How near is an airport?
+How near shopping do you wish to be? How about traffic and noise, is it important to be in a more serene environment or do you prefer the energy of the city?
+Will you need a new vehicle, how will that fit into your budget?
+Is it important that one of you, or both, has the chance for either full time or part time employment?
+Have you considered living arrangements in more than one place, commuting between the two?
+What role do issues of safety, cleanliness, environmental considerations, scenery, etc mean to you?
+Will you move lock, stock and barrel or start minimizing?
These are for starters. We will revisit this issue in a few weeks to see what else you may suggest or we have come up with which may be helpful.
See you somewhere on the way.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
The Best Time I Ever Had!
One of the best times I remember ever having was a trip taken with my father and grandfather to the Ft Worth cattle yards. We loaded a calf to take to the yards and little guy though I was, they allowed me to go along.
How exciting it was to be included, to be thought grown up enough and ready enough to go on such an adventure with the big men. An added bonus of the trip was that my grandad had promised to buy me a new pair of cowboy boots. Oh, I was so excited. I was ecstatic. In fact, more than the the trip itself, the boots today stand out as the most remembered symbol of that journey.
In those days, over back roads, with no interstate or four lane highways, the trip was longer than it is today. We departed home before daylight. That was also a novel experience for me to be awakened in the middle of the night and to get ready for what seemed to be a very long journey.
We took off. Somewhere along the way, we stopped at one of those roadside cafes that were usually found in small towns or just on the outskirts of one. Savoring the memory is almost as good as whatever we had for breakfast that early morning.
When we arrived at the huge Ft Worth stockyards, one of the teeming centers of agricultural and commercial activity back in the 40's, my eyes grew large. I was captivated by my surroundings, the sounds and sights, but not so much the smells. The real purpose for the trip was nearing. Soon they would unload the calf to be sold.
After that, it would be off to shop for my new cowboy boots. What an adventure, what an undertaking, what a thrill. We had lunch somewhere, don't really remember much about that. But it was over that lunch that the tenor of the day changed.
Dad told me that we wouldn't be getting those cowboy boots. Something had passed between Dad and Grandad that I was not quite able to fathom. I'm sure now that it had to with money. It may have been that the calf didn't bring as much as he had hoped. It may have been that dad knew my grandad's circumstances well enough that such an outlay was just not wise. Likely my Dad had suggested that the boots, as badly as he knew I wanted them, was an unnecessary extravagance. Grandad was, I think, just as disappointed as I was.
Today, all these years later, I think about the best time I ever had when I remember going to Ft. Worth. I also remember learning a hard lesson that day, a lesson that has never left me. The joy of the day was not in some anticipated gift of boots, but in being encouraged to grow up and to know that disappointment is a real as anticipation.
How exciting it was to be included, to be thought grown up enough and ready enough to go on such an adventure with the big men. An added bonus of the trip was that my grandad had promised to buy me a new pair of cowboy boots. Oh, I was so excited. I was ecstatic. In fact, more than the the trip itself, the boots today stand out as the most remembered symbol of that journey.
In those days, over back roads, with no interstate or four lane highways, the trip was longer than it is today. We departed home before daylight. That was also a novel experience for me to be awakened in the middle of the night and to get ready for what seemed to be a very long journey.
We took off. Somewhere along the way, we stopped at one of those roadside cafes that were usually found in small towns or just on the outskirts of one. Savoring the memory is almost as good as whatever we had for breakfast that early morning.
When we arrived at the huge Ft Worth stockyards, one of the teeming centers of agricultural and commercial activity back in the 40's, my eyes grew large. I was captivated by my surroundings, the sounds and sights, but not so much the smells. The real purpose for the trip was nearing. Soon they would unload the calf to be sold.
After that, it would be off to shop for my new cowboy boots. What an adventure, what an undertaking, what a thrill. We had lunch somewhere, don't really remember much about that. But it was over that lunch that the tenor of the day changed.
Dad told me that we wouldn't be getting those cowboy boots. Something had passed between Dad and Grandad that I was not quite able to fathom. I'm sure now that it had to with money. It may have been that the calf didn't bring as much as he had hoped. It may have been that dad knew my grandad's circumstances well enough that such an outlay was just not wise. Likely my Dad had suggested that the boots, as badly as he knew I wanted them, was an unnecessary extravagance. Grandad was, I think, just as disappointed as I was.
Today, all these years later, I think about the best time I ever had when I remember going to Ft. Worth. I also remember learning a hard lesson that day, a lesson that has never left me. The joy of the day was not in some anticipated gift of boots, but in being encouraged to grow up and to know that disappointment is a real as anticipation.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Prostate Cancer, Part 2: Surgery and its Side Effects
When, almost a year ago now, it was determined that I had prostate cancer, Gleason Scale 9, there was but one option in dealing with it. Because of a collision of favorable circumstances, quick action was available. For that, I have to thank my spouse, our daughter and son in law, our former son in law, my primary physician, a personal friend who is my urologist, and an imminently qualified oncologist.
And, that, of course is just part of the team. As one discovers in the face of life threatening diseases, one is surrounded by a whole cloud of supporters, family and friends. That is the very beginning of healing in itself.
Since confession is good for the soul, I admit to my own naivete in thinking that the surgery and recovery would be the proverbial piece of cake. It was not. A radical prostatectomy is not for sissies. It may be for the ignorant or naive as in my case, for not knowing I went into it with my eyes wide shut. Only after did I realize I wouldn't be up and about in a couple of weeks. It stretched into a longer period than I had anticipated.
So, when choosing surgery, one certainly needs to be more astute than I was before proceeding. That is the fault of no one other than myself. I have had the good fortune of very few major dealings with the surgical knife. My few experiences were always of relatively brief duration, fairly painless and more of a vacation than a recovery period.
And, I must declare, surgery as an option is not for everyone. I chose it because it was my bottom line option. When reading up on prostate cancer, one finds, early on, that 'watchful waiting' is an option. In the highest percentage of men with prostate cancer, the cancer is slow growing and often non life threatening. Thus other options are available.
Many friends and colleagues, whom I know and have discussed our fraternal experience with prostate cancer, chose other methods. One long term friend said every man with whom he had visited declared their choice and solution for dealing with it was the best for them. I can't argue with that.
What I know is that having chosen any other treatment, I would be headed toward, (to quote my oncologist) "death in my early 70's and a miserable one at that." Those odds were very unappealing.
So, I went with surgery. Today's PSA report reveals no sign of cancer at all, whatsoever, anywhere in my body. That is reason enough to feel very good about my choice.
But, what about side effects? With a testosterone count in the low 20's, there surely are some. I have had a recurring problem with hot flashes (MEN O PAUSE, I call it). They are very real and I am now very sympathetic with women who have gone through their own experiences. I continue to have some incontinence, but it has improved slowly and I am not too proud to buy and wear pads. Finally, if one defines sex as intercourse, then the loss of that is also a side effect and a lost art. However, discovering the variety of ways to express love to ones spouse is a delicious adventure. Experiences with a decline in physical stamina and energy can also be expected. For my part, I have learned the need to pace myself accordingly.
My physicians keep close tabs on my situation, I am taking a medication to deal with the hot flashes, my strength and energy level are returning, my attitude about life remains good and, for a Type A, I have mellowed considerably.
What I can say to anyone facing the prospect of surgery for prostate cancer, following the biopsy, identify the urology oncologist with whom you have great confidence in his/her ability and availability. My surgery was done in the Phoenix area, where I underwent recovery as well. It worked well for us. I watched a lot of movies, slept a lot, and with the aid of a walker took daily walks in the neighborhood.
At the end of the experience, making plans to travel home (Texas), we chose to make it an adventure and return by train because of my need for proximity to a bathroom. We had our private room, with bath, all our meals and the delight of watching the world stream by. We rested and slept well and arrived home refreshed.
So, my counsel, to those who are dealing with prostate cancer is: face it, deal with it and move on! Like me, I hope all cancer survivors have a lot of living yet to do.
And, that, of course is just part of the team. As one discovers in the face of life threatening diseases, one is surrounded by a whole cloud of supporters, family and friends. That is the very beginning of healing in itself.
Since confession is good for the soul, I admit to my own naivete in thinking that the surgery and recovery would be the proverbial piece of cake. It was not. A radical prostatectomy is not for sissies. It may be for the ignorant or naive as in my case, for not knowing I went into it with my eyes wide shut. Only after did I realize I wouldn't be up and about in a couple of weeks. It stretched into a longer period than I had anticipated.
So, when choosing surgery, one certainly needs to be more astute than I was before proceeding. That is the fault of no one other than myself. I have had the good fortune of very few major dealings with the surgical knife. My few experiences were always of relatively brief duration, fairly painless and more of a vacation than a recovery period.
And, I must declare, surgery as an option is not for everyone. I chose it because it was my bottom line option. When reading up on prostate cancer, one finds, early on, that 'watchful waiting' is an option. In the highest percentage of men with prostate cancer, the cancer is slow growing and often non life threatening. Thus other options are available.
Many friends and colleagues, whom I know and have discussed our fraternal experience with prostate cancer, chose other methods. One long term friend said every man with whom he had visited declared their choice and solution for dealing with it was the best for them. I can't argue with that.
What I know is that having chosen any other treatment, I would be headed toward, (to quote my oncologist) "death in my early 70's and a miserable one at that." Those odds were very unappealing.
So, I went with surgery. Today's PSA report reveals no sign of cancer at all, whatsoever, anywhere in my body. That is reason enough to feel very good about my choice.
But, what about side effects? With a testosterone count in the low 20's, there surely are some. I have had a recurring problem with hot flashes (MEN O PAUSE, I call it). They are very real and I am now very sympathetic with women who have gone through their own experiences. I continue to have some incontinence, but it has improved slowly and I am not too proud to buy and wear pads. Finally, if one defines sex as intercourse, then the loss of that is also a side effect and a lost art. However, discovering the variety of ways to express love to ones spouse is a delicious adventure. Experiences with a decline in physical stamina and energy can also be expected. For my part, I have learned the need to pace myself accordingly.
My physicians keep close tabs on my situation, I am taking a medication to deal with the hot flashes, my strength and energy level are returning, my attitude about life remains good and, for a Type A, I have mellowed considerably.
What I can say to anyone facing the prospect of surgery for prostate cancer, following the biopsy, identify the urology oncologist with whom you have great confidence in his/her ability and availability. My surgery was done in the Phoenix area, where I underwent recovery as well. It worked well for us. I watched a lot of movies, slept a lot, and with the aid of a walker took daily walks in the neighborhood.
At the end of the experience, making plans to travel home (Texas), we chose to make it an adventure and return by train because of my need for proximity to a bathroom. We had our private room, with bath, all our meals and the delight of watching the world stream by. We rested and slept well and arrived home refreshed.
So, my counsel, to those who are dealing with prostate cancer is: face it, deal with it and move on! Like me, I hope all cancer survivors have a lot of living yet to do.
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