Just When I Thought...

Just when I thought

Things were going well, I was struck with ill health

Life had leveled out, there were bumps in the road

Misery could take no more company, another load was dumped on me

Things couldn’t get any worse, they did…

How often have you found yourself held captive by downers such as these? How frequently have you heard yourself drawing a picture of life that is nothing but gloom and doom? How often have you given in to the tricks of despair and defeat? And, if you have, what sort of plan did you have for overcoming such anguish, for delivering yourself from such pits?

I have a friend who deals with his depression by whistling. One of his favorite tunes is
“Whistle a Happy Tune.” I know someone else who flips through old New Yorker magazines, just for the cartoons. I know others whose favorite pastime is Laurel and Hardy movies.

Laughter is the cure. That’s why it is so desirable to associate with those who generate laughter, whose disposition is motivated by humor, whose ability to create distraction from the troublesome is to get others to laugh.

Despondency is a swamp into which it is easy to find one’s way, but awfully difficult to discover the exit. Don’t go there or don’t go any further in than you can avoid. Days of despair accumulate and rob you of your better self. They prevent you from giving your joy away and thus reducing the pain of dejection.

Most of the time, when I am with folk I know well, I usually attempt to create some frivolous verbal and deliciously ribald fun. I find it to be contagious. One witty remark births another and so on. Before one knows it, the whole room is caught up in hilarious exchanges. There is nothing wrong with that, so long as it is not done at the expense of anyone present.

When you think life has dumped on you, find some way to remove the load by replacing it with the lightness of laughter.

Spending Time Musing: a Time for Senior Citizen Contemplation

One of the big time blessings of aging is having time to think. Senior citizens indulging in thought is one of the luxuries that has too many enemies. We are bidden by the distractions and temptations which discourage genuine, quiet, and worthwhile contemplation.

The patio at our home in Arizona offers the silence and serenity necessary for productive or just meandering thought. The front porch in Texas allows the mind to wander and flit and the eye to gaze and the heart to be at peace. What more healthy enterprise can one find for engaging oneself than these? What more useful way to allow for the discovery of an idea or a thought, for the development of a series of pure fantasies that give one peace of spirit. Or such may allow one to launch out into new adventures full of exciting inquiries and inventively creative designs.

What if your thinking encouraged you to take up art or sculpting or writing poetry or penning short stories or designing greeting cards? What if watching the clouds opened up vistas beyond inspiring you to see there strange and wonderful childlike adventures?

Maybe you play the piano enough that your thinking could result in a worthy composition. Maybe your meditations could dissolve some great ethical problem. Maybe your mind holds a secret the world has long awaited!

Somewhere out there in the wonderland of our thoughts is a new discovery, a new uncharted course to new unfound lands, a path from our front door to doors previously unopened.

Spend the time in thought that might otherwise go begging for activity. Spend moments meditating over some great and moving inspiration that may unlock puzzles and break down barriers and leap over the impossible.

Your world will become larger…your mind more fruitful…your time well spent. Muse awhile every day and you may meet with some new revelation.

What to do When: Etiquette Suggestions for Seniors

Many senior citizens know that one of the contributors to Emily Post’s success came when more and more people wanted to know how to behave in social situations. Letters of inquiry launched a career, still a part of Americana. Her answers became legend and law and revisions have been made as necessary throughout the decades.

There are new questions today, necessitated by a changed and an ever changing social environment. These questions arise as legitimately as they did when persons wanted to know which fork to use.

But today’s questions have more to do with sensitivity to social crises than to table manners. They are questions that come from every generation. No age group is immune. Seniors, whose experience may be sharpened through years of experience, are nonetheless often caught in situations new to them and are frequently in need of advice.

Here are some of the surprises and dynamics that may confront us all:

Q: A friend sends an invitation to a wedding of one of their children. The bride is pregnant and marrying someone of another ethnic background; how do you handle it?

A: You handle it as you would any invitation. If you are available and wish to attend, you reply accordingly. You purchase a gift which you have sent or take to the occasion. You exercise 100% genuine courtesy, thoughtfulness and participate as a friend who cares and is delighted to have been invited.

Q: Someone special in your circle, friend or family, is going through an experience of terminal illness with someone in their family; how can you be present to them during their uncertainty and pain?

A: Exercising compassion and presence is an absolute top of the list must. Authentic presence, in body or not, is the best extension of caring there is. There is a web site called www.CaringBridge.org where many persons going through this experience are available to receive messages of caring. Direct contact, without overdoing it, is always welcomed. Telephone calls, timed appropriately, are very intimate and personal. Greeting cards, offers for assistance, dropping by with a platter of cookies are expressions of affection. Listening is the most precious gift of all. Offering a shoulder follows that.

Q. Someone in your acquaintance has lost a significant portion of their retirement nest egg. They aren’t sure what lies ahead, how can you be helpful?

A. While you may not be in a position to rescue them from their financial catastrophe, you can be in a position to assist strategizing with them a means for coping and moving forward. It will be painful. It may offer some dead ends, but their having someone to assist them to hold up the ceiling, when it feels as if it is crashing in upon them, will be
a gift beyond measure.

It is the age old story for senior citizens. Etiquette is another way of showing respect, offering generosity and grace, especially when it takes into account the deepest respect for and needs of others.

Seniors Who Hear Voices

Seniors who hear voices, that is listen to their intuition, are not necessarily “off their rockers.” As a matter of fact intuition is often a well honed skill allowing one to rely on a sixth sense for decision making and problem solving. This, of course, does not in any way encourage making decisions or solving problems with only intuition at work. It is, however, one of the mechanisms for thinking through, listening to your own well developed good judgment and coming up with an outcome that you will be prepared to go with.

Practical, rational decision making is not devoid of its own deficiencies. Calculating a problem only mathematically, determining a direction only geographically, trying to reach an outcome only rationally, reaching a choice only emotionally means that a lot of other helpful insights will go missing.

Ironically, all of these and other considerations go into our decision making. Quick decisions made only intuitively can be disasters. Like love at first sight, you may need a vision check.

Decision making, particularly for older persons requires at least the following:

*Counsel with others for whom you have respect.

*Check out the details. If the decision involves money, be sure you are on solid footing and can afford any cost that may or may not be recovered.

*Look at the time involved for whatever it is you are deciding.

*Be aware of the energy required to accomplish the task.

*Have a Plan B.

*Try not to paint yourself into a corner.

*Look at all the options.

*Don’t be afraid or embarrassed to change your mind.

*Be prepared to admit that you could be wrong.

*When you decide in favor, don’t look back.

Celebrate your ability to work through decisions, share the success of your choices and decisions with your partner. Learn from your bad moves as well as the good. Use intuition and every other facility at your command to sort out and work through your eventual action.

It Has Been a While Since I Have Been Here!

It has been a while since I have been here. I took a much needed respite over the holidays. Seniors need those too. It is just as critical for senior citizens to change their routines and invite variety as it is anybody else. So I vacated the scene for a while.

Now it’s time to return to the previous routine. This is more difficult than it might first appear. Resuming a habit, particularly good ones, is much more difficult than breaking one. I tried writing an article the other day, finished it, and promptly lost it. I took that to mean my vacation wasn’t quite over. Probably a rationalization, but it worked for me.

So now on Monday morning I am attempting my return. Some of you have likely broken the habit of visiting me. I invite your return. You are the reason I am here, after all. While you are at it, you might encourage some of your friends and acquaintances to join us.

Vacations and respites are rewarding and often fulfilling, but, like all good things, they must come to an end. My mother in law suggests retirement is that time when “everyday is a holiday.” Maybe so, but when doing the same thing over and over, eventually it becomes boring.

So, now that we are into the first month of 2009, it probably is time for me to give up the temptation of doing little. Productivity of some kind is the tonic that keeps life interesting and the body healthy and mind energized. Rocking chairs are for verandas at southern resorts. As a permanent fixture, they are a liability, unless used with prudence.

Winter is a tough time, particular in some areas, to keep occupied. Do it anyway. Reading is a good habit, but also a sedentary one. Find some way to get up and get out and get going.

Being on the computer is fun, but it too holds one, like television, too long in its grip and doesn’t allow for more than mental exercise.

Sewing and working on hobbies, in which sitting is required, are good activities, but we need to do something to stimulate our body and heart and blood flow.

So help me I plan to be busier this next six months. Then, I will review what I have been doing and discard those that aren’t useful and take on more that are. How about you? Even if every day is a holiday, we still have the option to be alive to possibilities.

Signs of a Stroke

According to a popular email making the rounds, there are now four signs which indicate the possibility of a person having had a stroke.

If a person falls or experiences some other behavior that may suggest a stroke, persons near by can engage the individual in the following test.

First, Ask the person to smile.

Second, Ask them to speak, saying a simple six or seven word sentence.

Third, Have them raise their arms.

If they respond well to this exercise, they are probably okay. Add one additional test, have the individual stick out his/her tongue. If the tongue is crooked, that is goes to one side or the other, that may indicate a stroke.

A cardiologist suggests that quick action is very critical. If an individual is found to have had a stroke and action is taken to have the person seen by a physician, it is possible that a stroke can be prevented from being fatal.

Much like the Heimlich maneuver, knowing what to do, how to observe those signs that may suggest the need for immediate action (calling 911) may save the life of a friend, a loved one or a total stranger.

Compliments Come in Many Shapes

Compliments come in so many shapes. For some reason they seem to come less and less frequently as one ages. My first major assignment out of seminary was in a county seat town in western Nebraska. It was 1964. I was 26 years old, married, but without children.

Time in western Nebraska was brief. The assignment lasted two years and from there I would go to Omaha for a tenure of nineteen years. My career ended after three additional assignments in Arizona. So it has been 44 years since our departure from that first assignment in Nebraska.

At Christmas in 2007 I had a Christmas card from one of the young women who had been in the youth group in that small town in Nebraska so long ago. She and a cadre of friends were preparing, in May of 2009, for a reunion of their class. Christmas, 2008, brought another greeting, this time with a nudge for my wife Sharon, and me to plan to participate in the event. However, of those whom we knew then and would be present, none would have any knowledge of our plans to be there.

Of course we are planning to be there. Of course it will test memory, but it will be a celebration of unequalled proportions.

That is the compliment. To be remembered, by persons who were adolescents, who helped shape me and, I presume, I them after all these years is a supreme compliment. Just imagine getting reminders from dear people who were a part of your life, in your own early development, who identified something useful and valuable about that acquaintance, that relationship so many years later.

There are few treasures we experience as senior citizens, which give us quite as much joy and satisfaction as to be remembered by someone from our past. It takes time to extend compliments. It takes energy to look up someone you just want to touch base with. And, who knows, that person may no longer remember you. Compliments are part of life’s enrichments. They help us appreciate that whatever small difference we may have made, it may have made a large difference in someone’s life. Compliments to those of us who are now older work the same way. It may seem small to the giver, to the recipient it looms large as an enormous moment to be cherished forever.

Scams, Spams, Flim Flams and Bunko Artists

Senior Citizens, because of increased vulnerability, are in a position to be conned more easily than at any other time in their lives. And activities of con artists are on the increase. There are a lot of people in retirement jumping on band wagons these days in hopes of that wagon taking them somewhere better. It is amazing the number of entrepreneurs who are emerging to take advantage of the desperation of others. Of course, the classic example is Mr. Madoff, pronounced “made off.”

Look out there is a bumpy road ahead and con artists have the map. They know every detour, side road, unmarked lane, driveway, destination, cul de sac, dead end out there. They know how to help direct you to where you aren’t going, but if you just take their advice you will get there a lot more quickly.

Swindles and Scams and Spams and Flim Flams are as abundant as funny money, tricks up the sleeve and notorious hokum designed to catch you in its snare. How do you head off the bunko artists who know more about cheating you than you do about protecting yourself?

Start by honing your suspicious nature. The rule of “if it’s too good to be true, it probably is” always applies. Know how to generate your BS detector. Listen for the slang and jargon and pitch of an artist seeking to draw you into his trap. Phone call solicitations are a very good way to practice. The answer is NO. George Carlin offered a number of sagacious tips in helping people understand how best to deal with cheating callers. Finally, the best way is to hang up. Politeness with these guys does not apply. Remember you are in charge of the phone. Being rude to someone you have never met, will never meet and whose only interest is in catching you in a hoax does not violate the principles of Emily Post and etiquette.

On the street, watch out with a keen eye. Don’t get caught by some shark looking to get your attention, distract you and pull a fast one. Women laden with packages and a purse are always a good object lesson. While legitimate need is one thing, watch for persons just needing a few quarters to buy a meal. Park in conspicuous places in parking lots. Be sure it is well lighted, if at night. Use your key fob, get into the car quickly and lock it. Watch out for courteous strangers, who just want to help you with your packages. Isn’t this sad? But desperation is the mother of chicanery.

In your home, avoid answering the door to strangers. Solicitations are out of bounds. If necessary, post a sign indicating such. Do not allow tricksters to offer you a treat. If you have an alarm system and live in a highly populated area, keep it set during the day and night.

Finally, use your car alarm as a means to call attention to yourself in compromising situations. Keep it handy. If something unusual befalls you, hit the button, even if you are in your front yard. You paid for it, use it as a means for protection.

While not everyone is a crook, these times offer incentive for desperation, bred out of hopelessness. Remember some people are just looking for a way to get by, but the safety of senior citizens is foremost. Instead of grabbing the con, demonstrate your sympathy by contributing to worthy charitable causes which assist the unemployed, the homeless, and the hungry.

PASSION: A Guide For Seniors and Their Significant Others

Question: When is Passion no longer possible for a senior citizen whose age seems to be a worrisome concern?

Answer: Never, so long as breathing is practiced with adequate regularity!

Do not expect here an in depth analysis of physical factors which discourage passion. I leave that to you and your physician to probe (forgive the pun!)

Do not anticipate a brief version of “The Joy of Sex,” which may not be a bad recommendation anyway.

Do not assume a review of Gail Sheehy’s various takes on “passages.”

What you may expect is an upbeat case for remaining in love, exercising that love through a variety of passionate attitudes, choices, frames of reference, practices, and continuing the good habits of caring and touching and staying in love.

Aging introduces all kinds of interferences with love and love making. To be sure, it is critical to understand that there is a difference. And, to be sure, love making requires energy, initiative, response, interest, and passion.

For some, in their later years, love making is not something easily engaged in, as once was the case. That’s okay. Love making does not have to include genitalia, nor does it mean creating the lust and passion of many years previous. Bodily functions change. Hormones that create physical passion dissipate. I am sure this is not new information. Emotions, however, are still possible to be expressed.

Some of the most endearing passions have to do with touching, kissing, whispering, sensing, expressing through other than traditional intercourse. This is not to discourage intercourse, if both parties are amenable. It is to create an ecstasy available to a couple who still experience passion and desire for each other.

Even holding hands, hugging, embracing, looking into one another’s eyes are ways to sustain passion, the emotional kind that is not dependent upon hormones. Some choose to read sonnets or poetry or paragraphs from selected books. Some sit before the fire or on floaters in the swimming pool, take walks, hike up mountains, lie down beside streams, looking for romance in unusual and provocative places.

Passion can and does disappear when pleasure and seduction disappear. Embracing first thing in the morning and last thing at night continues the energy and the spark. Passion is forever so long as love endures.

What is your GQ? --Grandparent Quotient

No matter when we senior citizens finally achieve being a grandparent, there are some tests to help identify our capability and capacity for being a good one. My experience is certainly limited in the role and I have never taken courses in retirement to boost my GQ. Basic intuition and sensitivity contribute about as much to ability and smarts as most anything else.

First, a grandparent is not a replacement for the parent. Of course, this assumes all are available to fulfill their roles and to understand the limits of each. If circumstances have created a situation in which the roles are different, that has to be worked out accordingly.

Complexities introduced before and continuing in the 21st century contribute to keeping abreast of inter family dynamics. It ain’t what it used to be, if it ever were that way.

If there still is a “nuclear” family, the dynamics aren’t necessarily simplified. Families who have meals together at home, without interference by television, etc., is an increasingly unusual phenomenon. Perhaps one of the roles grandparents can fulfill is offering an occasional get together around the table for a meal. Assuming this won’t be a forced occasion, but one which can contribute to frivolity and good times, such an opportunity can create fond memories.

Finding something in common with grandchildren (no matter their age) remains a challenge. It is, however, a challenge worth pursuing. Genuine companionship between generations offers a wealth of recollections worthy of posterity.

Adolescence offers its own challenges. When grandparents find ways to contend with that hurdle, then a true, lifelong affection will surely be shared. I think we are there with our grandchildren, although times together are predictably less frequent.

Finding gifts that respect the grandchild and are age appropriate will also offer memories, for the item will likely be one that the grandchild chooses to keep.

Communicating with some frequency becomes more and more a challenge. However, with email, text messaging, cell phones, etc. available some contact can be established and maintained. It is an easy exercise to overlook, but one that needs nurture for the benefit of both parties.

Identifying and reserving some special alone times is also important and necessary. Before long, graduation and off to college, distance and demands will consume more and more of what had been time a grandparent could claim. Try to hang on to some of what soon will be absorbed by the claims of normal growing up and going away.

Check out your GQ once in a while with other senior citizens, learn from them, both what to do and what not to do. Thank your grandchildren for the wonderful contributions they make to your life. Let them know often, with genuine sincerity, how special they are.

Achieving Happiness, Fulfillment and Joy in Retirement

The most desirable frame of mind in aging is happiness. To be sure happiness emerges in all kinds of shapes and dimensions. Being a senior citizen often means that one has accomplished maturity and control sufficient to experience happiness with regularity. It also means having arrived at pinpointing what contributes to unhappiness, thus choosing to avoid it at all costs.

Happiness, fulfillment and joy are, of course, all the same thing. They may differ in measures of exhilaration, but offer ultimately the same thing. Among the dispositions necessary for a healthy and happy frame of mind when people gather are these:

1. Intentionally decide to create a conflict free environment. This takes mutual conversation, rule setting, boundary determinations and mutual disciplines which realize how to blow the whistle on anger.

2. Insert affection, warmth, compliments, reinforcements in every conversation or communication with family members and friends. Create an atmosphere of respect.

3. Check your attitude at the door. Be sure you aren’t carrying past grudges or anxieties which may contribute to instigating tension.

4. Look for subjects that invite objectivity and avoid controversy. If there are controversial issues which nudge themselves into the conversation, find an exit, change the subject, suggest dealing with it in another time and place.

5. When in a group, be alert to persons not being included in exchanges. Find appropriate ways to bring them in. Group dynamics, even in a family, require sensitive facilitation. Perhaps you are the one to serve that role. Or you may be the one who nudges someone to take the role.

6. If someone in a group is well known for intemperate remarks, find ways to redirect the conversation quickly. Escalation of conflict is certain and deadly, unless intentional side lining is attempted.

7. Find ways to bring closure to the visit or occasion. Overly extended conversations, monologues or dialogues often lead to frustration and boredom. “Hasn’t this been a wonderful occasion(?)’’ is a good way to point guests toward the door. A superior gathering is one in which everyone departs feeling good about having been together.

Find Treasures Everyday

It may depend on your definition of “treasure,” but it is possible to discover treasure everyday. A recent archaeological find in Germany proves the premise. History will need to be rewritten. A contest between Germans and Romans around 250 to 300 suggests a longer lifespan for the Roman Empire than previously thought.

So pick up your metal detector and begin the search. Of course “metal detector” here is only figurative. Antique Road Show fans have long since discovered the value of some long since inherited object d’art. Ebay offers all sorts of finds, discovered in long since abandoned boxes and attics and under beds. Kovels is an excellent resource.

Process for Identifying Treasure: The trick in identifying treasure is found in the eye and in the ability to exercise patience to research its potential validity. Being able to “see” means “old” items may have value; because it has hung on the wall so long may mean it’s familiar, or it could hold hidden worth.

Search in places for items, e.g. glassware, vases, silver pieces, tucked away goodies that have been stored for years. A friend discovered a vase, about 3 inches in height, which was bought for $3. It was later valued at 4 figures.

Select several items which appear to be of sufficient vintage, unusual in design, show significant markings, perhaps dates and have them professionally appraised.

If there is someone in the family who may know some of the history of specific items, e.g. furniture, lamps, first edition books, and so on, recruit their assistance.

Read up on values. Do not embarrass yourself by taking in any old piece of junk and expect to be rewarded. Remember there are many unsearched closets and chests and boxes and attics.

Visit Antique stores and dealers. Ask questions, as if you are a buyer not a seller.

Go to Auctions and Estate Sales. Observe carefully, take notes.

Some items, e.g. jewelry, art pieces, and glass ware may require a specialist to determine worth, if any. You may also be wise to get a second opinion.

Finally, while you are at, this sorting process may be a good time to rid yourself of some items that have consumed space, but whose value is little worth hanging on to. Consider your own sale or donating these items to an organization who may find use for them.

Fill Your Life With Satisfaction: Eight Bonuses for Senior Citizens Activities

2009 offers opportunities for creating a life satisfying series of days and moments. A year doesn’t happen all at once, even for senior citizens who decry how rapidly time flies. The Senior Citizen age is an everyday, minute at a time process. We surprise ourselves when we discover what we can do with time. The first goal of a senior citizen is to make every day productive.

So, here are some early New Year clues for filling life’s days with satisfaction.

1. Convince yourself that being of Senior Citizen age is a plus. Plan daily activities that under gird a positive attitude. Read books that enable your being a positive person, engage in exercise that assists your health and mobility. Look for one task to do that gives you a sense of accomplishment.

2. Identify one thing that you are exceptionally competent in doing. Do not limit yourself to the ordinary, but stretch yourself to find something you might have never considered undertaking: for men, how about knitting or cross stitching; for women, being able to work on your car.

3. Set a goal of the number of books you will read within a month’s time. Choose books you always told yourself you wanted to read.

4. Choose one volunteer activity per month that will give you a sense of community and interactive pride. Find something that allows you to be with persons whom you don’t normally identify as friends.

5. Work on your spirituality. Note, the word is spirituality, not religion. Identify with some group, spiritual discipline, devotional exercise which will enlarge sense of self worth.

6. Study your diet. Work with your spouse or significant other or a dietitian to be sure you are eating well and assisting your health with healthy meal planning.

7. If you need more to do, consider an unusual hobby. There are no limits on solid and available opportunities.

8. Get a good night’s sleep! Recommended sleep is 8 hours per night. Determine what schedule works best for you. Try not to vary it.

Finally, review your progress in meeting your goals to create a life satisfying pattern for yourself. Keep a Journal so that you may evaluate your progress or lack of it. In a few months, you will have created new, healthy habits which will contribute to your life’s satisfaction as a Senior Citizen.