Talk About the Tough Stuff!

Sharing knowledge, particularly in a marriage and family, is a critical Must for Seniors. A conversation with a dear friend the other day revealed that a mutual friend was spending her nights and days in the hospital with her critically ill husband. My friend shared that the wife had no idea about any of the matters regarding the couple's financial affairs. She had, as too often happens in male dominated relationships, just gone along with his taking care of it all. Now, in the hospital, experiencing serious, life threatening issues, it is almost too late to be brought up to speed.

So "what do you know and when you should know it" is a stop and think it over question. Financial and legal matters need to be open and shared in a relationship. Issues surrounding an estate, financial obligations, income, status of any debt, insurance, where legal and other papers are kept are just a few of the matters to top the list.

Here are some others:

>Has there been a DNR (Do not resuscitate order) prepared?

>Does each member of the family with a need to know have information readily available to deal with a sudden unexpected illness or catastrophe in the family?

>Have all appropriate legal and financial matters been put in order and reviewed regularly? Are they in a safe place?

>Is there a power of attorney in place?

>Have considerations been given for A Living Will?

>Have you talked about and agreed on an Organ Donor plan?

>In the event of a major accident or catastrophic event affecting both parties, is there someone who is charged with making decisions and empowered to do so? Be sure that person knows when to intervene and has the authority to act.

>Finally, don't assume anything. Talk it over. Review and update all matters regularly. Make no changes, unless all the appropriate parties are invovled and informed. Choose an annual time to go over these details, one that will be easy to remember, perhaps around or on an anniversary, birthday or other significant date.

>Begin by asking questions. Then ask some more! Don't hesitate until all matters which affect you both are on the table. Sure these are tough issues. But, the well prepared avoid desperate and frustrating circumstances, for themselves or others, if/when such matters become immediate.

>Consult the appropriate professionals, physician, attorney, trusted family members or friends.

The important key in all of this is: DO NOT ASSUME ANYTHING! Talk everything through until everyone who should be is on the same page.

Finally, keep healthy, but be ready!

Retirement and Revolving Doors

Retirement is a revolving door. No sooner does one have "everything in place," than something comes along to interrupt the flow. Frankly that isn't new nor surprising. That is a definition of life. Expecting total tranquility, hoping to avoid crises and change, harboring illusions about the golden years leaves one ill equipped to be ready for that door to slap you in the face.

So how does one get ready for the revolving door. Here are some clues:

>Serendipity is magical and it is what makes children so fascinating and curious. Adopt the credo of serendipity. Be ready for nothing....be ready for everything.

>Closing doors doesn't mean you must lock them. Keep your options open with friends and
adventures, accept invitations, explore trails never travelled. Look under rocks.

>If spending too much time in an easy chair, put it in a room you don't frequent. Permit yourself to be up and about, take a walk, stop to look around you, stay in touch with the outer world, which is good exercise for your inner soul.

>Hold hands with your spouse or a friend. Feel the warmth and pulse of another. It will remind you how precious every minute is.

>Look for friends in unusual places.

>Continue your membership in the human race, one of the greatest clubs in the world.

>Don't forget to groom your spirit every morning, as you groom your body for the day.

>Be comfortable deciding to take a nap.

>Say a greeting to everyone you meet. It may be the only one some people hear that day.

>Smile and Laugh every chance you get. Some people may think you odd, but let them worry about that.

When the time came for my dear aunt to live in a Care Facility, I asked her what she planned to do every day. Her reply, "Well I think I will probably sleep a lot and love everybody."

Let's choose Winston Churchill's counsel: "Never Give Up!" "Never Give Up!"

Suggestions: Acupuncture for Seniors

Sometime back my knees started reminding me how much use and overuse they have endured. The usual routes of determining whether surgery would be required, were taken. Among the treatment options and disciplines required were to wear knee devices to reduce the difficulty of rising from a sitting position, learning how to get our of a car, avoiding stairs and seldom kneeling. The latter one is tough on a minister.

Along the way, I was introduced to a marvelous Acupuncturist whose application of the discipline is absolutely amazing. My 92 year old father in law was the first to find him. A number of family members now go to him regularly.

His gentle touch and reassuring manner are very patient centered. The needles are not a threat and their insertion produces little sensation.

The results, however, are quite amazing. Without drugs and with exercise and proper diet, a regular regimen of acupuncture has given me my knees back. Once in a while, if I overdo, I simply have to rest a while and usually I return to normal. If one is plagued with osteoarthritis, one cannot expect that acupuncture will not be needed further. Periodic treatments will be required. But, the amazing thing is, my doctor, who is also a chiropractor, reminds me "for some strange reason, it works!" So, I can recommend it.

Be sure to check out the qualifications of your practitioner. Get referrals from those who have benefited from this discipline. If you live in an area where no such service is available, check out nearby larger cities. Do not make an appointment until you are comfortable with the practitioner. Incidentally, for those in the Phoenix, Arizona metro area, you will can easily locate my miracle worker. He is in Scottsdale and his name starts with an S. He is just off Shea and Scottsdale Road. Caution allows me to encourage you to do your own research.

My counsel is "Try it, You'll Like it! '

What About the Kids?

What do you do about the kids as you get older and they do too? What happens when they are presumably out on their own, the nest is empty, and you are aware of how much help they seem to continue to need from you? How do you honor their choices and judgments and individuality when they are still forming who they are and want to be?

Independence is a desired state of being, not only for the young, but for those of us who have "been there, done that."

Honoring independence means minding your own business. In other words, except in severe cases of disaster, health or economic, probably it is best to leave well enough alone and to stay out of the way.

Over-tending a flower garden can result in the ruin of many a beautiful blossom. Nourishing and gently coaxing a plant or a young tree delivers more desirable results than stomping and flailing around the tender shoots as they strive upward.

While this won't apply to every reader, whether parent or grandparent, sensitivity to the needs of youth is a characteristic which needs to be nurtured. One is never to old to discover ways "to be there" for others, particularly our own.

So take time, listen, be patient, observant, kind, thoughtful and generous with your own spirit. Such behavior will reap great rewards. It will also model for those who are younger good habits for self-enrichment and development.

Growing is a 24/7 enterprise. It is there at the moment of birth and it continues through the very last breath.

Remote Controls and Other Valuable Possessions

Thank God for the remote control! My habit for using it has been not so much to switch channels to something as to get away from those obnoxious $19.95 ads and "But wait" products that promise ideal solutions to every need.

My pact with the television set is that I won't allow that kind of brusque, harsh and rude presence in my home. I wouldn't accept it from a real, live human guest. Therefore, why should I permit it on the screen? In other words, my message is "Stop yelling in my house!" Either the set goes off or the channel gets switched.

That's not a bad rule for lots of things which seek our undeserved attention these days. I wouldn't buy a car because I saw it in a television ad. I don't buy medications, prescribed or OTC, because a handful of people tell me how wonderful it is. And I am sure not going to buy some plastic concoction or other over-promoted gadget to "change my life!"

My guess is that those of us who are willing could help change some of that ugly behavior and also unsought solicitations that come our way over the TV, through the mail, or in recorded phone calls.

A discipline I have had for several years has reduced the number of junk mail pieces we get. I return those which come with a prepaid envelope stuffed with their stuff and a note that reads:
"Send no more Junk." It works. Phone calls are answered, but the answer is not the one solicitors want to hear. Ads on TV, well we've already discussed that.

So take control of your time and your attitude. Let those who interrupt an otherwise perfectly nice day (not to mention meal) know you are out to them every time they try to slip into the solitude of your own home.

Retirement, Real Estate and Moving On

Selling one's house in the middle of retirement seems a risky and somewhat overwhelming decision. But here we are. Ten years after building our dream home on an acreage that has been in my maternal family since 1850, we are in the throes of another experience in separation anxiety. It is a show case home set in the middle of the piney woods of East Texas.

Our initial intentions to build and locate here were solid. Our regrets that we built a magnificent dream home are none. However, the reality of physical limitations slowly began to set in. Forty two acres is a rather large yard. My ambition has been and remains to have it look like a park. It does, but with sometimes exhausting demands.

Oh, I know all the arguments. Why don't you get someone to do all the exterior work? First, it is costly. Second, we live 15 miles from a community where such help might be available. And the "might" in that sentence is often a major roadblock.

So, the process is underway. We are in the middle stages of finalizing the listing. We are being very cautious, intentional and relying on considerable professional guidance. Our realtor has been and will remain a major ally in the presentation of the several acts of this play.

What have we had to do?

>We had to process the decision. That took a lot of very intense conversation. We had to be okay with this decision and to be ready to take the several steps to get to it.

>We had to do considerable research . We needed to know how our home would be marketed, the value of it in the current market, how to go about being sure it shows well, and addressing any warts that may have developed with the house in ten years.

>We realized that a home like ours would not sell quickly. Therefore, we had to be prepared to be patient.

>When we looked at our financial needs for the future, we had to come to a decision regarding our bottom line price. We cannot be stampeded or rushed into a final sales contract. No pressure!

>We had to begin sorting out all the "stuff and things" that we no longer have any use for and don't want to move. Already Goodwill and several other non profits have been the beneficiaries of our largesse.

>We had to be prepared to have perfect strangers come into our home. Our realtor has put several checks and balances in place to deal with that.

>We will need to say goodbye at several pauses in the process along the way. Waiting for one final goodbye would be just too much.

>During this process, we have relied on the counsel of family and numerous friends who have helped underscore our decision and remain objective about it.

All of this is just to get to the point of putting it on the market. Now comes the real test. We will see if our creation (we designed the house with guidance by our architect) will attract others and become their dream.

I can only say living here has been one of the best dreams we have ever had. In order to do it, one must be ready to say goodbye!

Telling Stories!

It's time to roll out the stories, grandpa! Students in a variety of school districts are finding that walking to school is back in vogue. Gas prices are forcing boards and administrators to evaluate costs related to busing. So, it may be time to remind your grandchildren just how far you walked to school when you were young.

A number of years ago I was sitting at the fountain of a drug store (who remembers those?) when I overheard two young men discussing their respective fathers. One shared that his father had walked 3 miles to school, often in very bad weather. The other, quick to retort, replied "every year my father gets older he walked further to school!"

So every generation learns from the last. This one may be a tough lesson for our youngsters, accustomed to so many luxuries and privileges. However, it may be a good time for you to share with them some of the benefits of your own experiences.

There is a great story about a father who grew concerned about his elementary age son who seemed to be taking an inordinate amount of time in his daily walks to and from school. So, one day he chose to follow him, without his knowing it. What he discovered was a whole world of new wonders. He watched as his son hesitated on his way to watch a butterfly, to stomp in a rain puddle, to say hello to people coming out for their morning papers, to examine a worm crossing the sidewalk, to kick a can, to skip and hop and watch with wonder as he passed his world on his way to school.

The father reported that he had decided it was okay for his son to take his time, something he had never quite learned to do. So he asked, the next day, if he might join walking with him once in a while. The two did so and lived happily ever after.

This story may be a contrived fairy tale, but what a moral. Being a part of one another's universe is the best gift a child and a father or grandfather can give or receive. The days will be brighter, as you do it, and the joys more endearing when you remember having done it. So, tell your stories on your way with your son or grandson as you walk to school!

Support Your Favorite Artist!

Came across this website the other day. Our son, an artist in San Francisco, introduced us to it. If you are interested in unusual art, I recommend you give it a peek.

The address is http://www.saatchi-gallery.co.uk/. Artists continue to be true purists and philosophers in our time. They use their art, in whatever form, to express deep seated insights for our benefit. They often deal with controversial and very personal issues, but they have a way of hitting home with many of us.

Assisting them to tell their point of view gives them the support they need to be able to proclaim messages not often enough heard through other forms of communication. History is replete with artists, of every genre, who have attempted to raise our sensitivities. Having lived with one until he went out on his own, and keeping up with his more contemporary approaches has widened my horizons.

If you would enjoy seeing his work to get a sample of what I mean, his contact on the web with Saatchi is http://www.saatchi-gallery.co.uk/yourgallery/artist_profile?Joel%25/620D+Elrod/9378.html.

That's a long and exhausting one, but give it a try and perhaps another window will be open to you to see the world a little differently. Don't just stop with him, search out others. There are many out there who are trying to get our ear and our eye!

My Favorites

A contemporary method for determining a great deal about a person would be, if it were available, to review the list of one's favorites on the individual's PC.

Imagine. It would almost be like going through their closet or desk drawers or filing cabinet. It would likely reveal a great deal about how one spends his/her more private moments. It may be that is the reason we are encouraged to protect our Password. We might not want it widely known where we go or whom we visit or what we look for on the internet. On the other hand, it might offer a very positive picture of us, but one, we had just as soon, keep to ourselves.

My list has become increasingly long. And, I confess, there is really nothing on it about which I would be ashamed or need to hide. It's just a series of places I enjoy visiting now and again. It does tell a lot about me. It demonstrates interest in news sources of all kinds, stuff about antiques, automobiles, travel, philosophy, religion, and some way out stuff from writers that have interesting theories, politics, of course. As I say, the list is quite lengthy. Now and again, a friend or family member recommends another site for me to explore. I add to My favorites in order not to forget it. Sometimes, even there, I overlook it anyway.

Now, I am beginning to wonder if maybe I shouldn't do some inventory to reduce the sheer volume on My Favorites. I haven't figured out yet how to delete them, however. Maybe I'll get around to having fewer favorites one day. My guess is, so long as curiosity prevails, I will just keep adding more to it. That's not a bad thing, is it?

Financial News: Seeking a Balance

My cousin, a retired employee with the FDIC, shared this website with me the other day: http://calculatedrisk.blogspot.com/ I heartily recommend it. One of the reasons is you quickly discover that we aren't the only nation in an economic tailspin. Now, if you get satisfaction from that you are a true sadist!

Two articles struck me in my early reading:" UK House Possessions Hit 12 year High" and "Shanghai Stock Exchange Index off 57% from its Peak." That will get your endorphins popping.

If we find "good news from bad" that may be about all we can expect these days. However, I would prefer to see a turn around to hit the headlines soon and everywhere. For that to happen will require a lot of us becoming better informed, more aware, less content with the ordinary sources of information.

I have read, even subscribed to "The Economist." I refuse to watch news and financial "wizards" yell at me on those channels that carry such. I love the New York Times, most days. I have even peeked in on The Wall Street Journal now and again. That one may be somewhat suspect under its new ownership. The point is there are lots of places to go to sort out the news. Some will be heavily biased. Some will be genuinely "balanced and fair."

"Calculated Risk" offers an underbelly overview (hmmm!) Give it a try to see if your own sense of informed opinion is offered a boost!.

Ear and Heart Health

Before her death, I quoted Ann Landers a great deal. She was, and remains, a seer who had a clear understanding of the human condition. She was always on the cusp of things. She was alert to her readers' needs and sensitivities. How I wish I could be a male Ann Landers!

Her columns were always in response. She opened the doors to her readers to march in with their concerns and comments and even agonies. She never put anyone down. She knew that all of us have warts and vulnerabilities and aches and hurts and needs. And, she knew that each of us needs someone who will listen. Erma Bombeck was like that. She was able to address with humor, but also with incredible wisdom.

We need an Ann or an Erma today. We need someone who sees through all the folly of our times. We need someone who doesn't need to take advantage of our struggles and heartaches and pain. We need someone who doesn't go on television to sell us something or offer an invitation to send them money so we may be healed or promised outlandish results from our investment in a postage stamp. We need authentic, caring, enormously sensitive human beings who have walked the road, stumbled over the stones, and survived.

I think there are people like that out there. I think they are persons who don't look for large audiences or depend on Nielsen ratings. I think they are the supermen and wonder women of our times who know how to lift us up and out. I think they aren't influenced by their advertisers or their public relations staff. They are deeply, genuinely concerned about what it takes to make it from day to day.

Find your someone who will listen. And then offer to someone else your own ear and heart!

The Milk of Human Kindness

What is it about humans that we draw satisfaction out of being judgmental? I don't know about you, although I have my suspicions, but I expect, like me, you have made a whole truck load of mistakes, bad calls, irrational and poor choices. My guess is that those have created pain and frequent conflict in your life. They surely have in mine.

So, how does it happen that when someone of national prominence, in politics or entertainment or business, falls, some seem to derive macbre satisfaction from their falling.Talk shows and newscasts and blogs and emails fly around the accused. Their pain is likely already very deep. But we seem to enjoy piling on and adding to and pointing out the frailties of another.

Does it somehow make us more pure. I thought 99.44% was about the best we could do. By the way that was once the adverting claim of Ivory Soap, "99.44% pure." By my calculation I never quite measured up to that. By my estimates, I have fallen far short. By my own confession, I know what my failures are and have been.

So, when we come across someone who has stumbled rather badly, why don't we find a way to exercise forgiveness, understanding, compassion. Leave judgment to trials and juries and judges. That is their job and assignment. But out here, in the world where the rest of us have to live, can we not offer the milk of human kindness?

Compassion, Choices and End of Life Questions

Some have inquired...ok what do you do if you have a spouse or you find your own diagnosis is imminent death! Whoa! We don't talk about issues like that. Not on the internet or on popular talk shows or in columns in magazines and newspapers (does anybody read those anymore?).

Sharon, my special and eternal spouse, and I found an organization which addresses that question for those who are serious inquirers. After all, inquiring minds want to know.

Their publication is "A reprint on end of life options." Some folk will really get bent out of shape over this one. But, let me tell you, if you have spent time in ICU with someone who is being kept alive on life support, you may be willing to look at options beyond the medical profession's ability to sustain life.

What dastardly organization dares to go there? It is Compassion and Choices. Ever heard of Socrates? You may want to search that guy! All the more so if you are dealing with someone with a terminal illness. Be careful. There are those who may report you. There are those who think suffering is the last necessary step before arriving at the Golden Gate.

Compassion and Choices brochure presents the rationale for "Good life, Good death," in their 2000 edition. They profess to maximize "the options for a peaceful death, including physician aid in dying for terminally ill, mentally competent adults who request it under careful safeguards." Now, while this won't be everyone's choice, I have met numbers of people who have told me they would prefer not to go through a long, agonizing and delayed death process.

So, if you are interested, while assisted death is still not legal in most states, you may want to look into what the Compassion and Choices offers. I am not recommending them. I only know my audience to be curious and willing to explore what may be available in all sorts of conditions we face as we grow older. I can offer you their address. It is www.compassionandchoices.org. Look it up, it is a very mature way to look at mortality in the mirror.

PSA Test: Why is it important?

There is for men a notorious Positive Sign of Aging (PSA)! If you are a man, or a woman who cares for a man, any man, PSA needs be added to your annual list of reminders, particularly and especially for those past 40.

This Positive Sign of Aging (not a medical term, just another way to catch your eye) really deals with a man's prostate. Statistics demonstrate that one in six men will develop some form of prostate cancer in their lives; one in 35 will die from it. And, the PSA test which should be a part of one's annual physical exam is a way to keep tabs on the condition of one's prostate. PSA actually is the designation for Prostate Specific Antigen, medically speaking.

I have come across men who don't even know the term, never heard of it. Dangerous! And I have discovered those of us who have been conscientious and informed and still get Prostate Cancer any way. That is my story.

Last year, following a regular check up I was referred by my primary care physician to a urologist. My PSA numbers were up, after a lifetime (68 years of age at the time)) of clean reports. The urologist did a biopsy and found the Big C. Now, to be sure most people at this stage in the story are not necessarily alarmed. Enter the Oncologist/Urologist who shares the results of the biopsy and tells me my cancer is very aggressive. You may want to search the word "Gleason Scale or Score" on the internet. I refer not to the comedian but to a method for measuring the aggressiveness of the cancer, that is how fast it is growing and spreading.

Mine came out at a big fat 9 (that's NINE). That's serious. My physician later told me that had I not chosen (he really gave me no choice) to have my prostate removed I would have died in my early 70s and had a miserable death. Not much of a choice.

So say it again, PSA. Now, the good news is that I am free and clear, have had no radiation, but continue to have my PSA checked very often to be sure there is no stray cancer cell running around loose somewhere.

My Oncologist told me that there are always a variety of choices for the patient. However, in some cases those choices become less available the higher one is in the Gleason scale. So, I didn't argue. I said "when do we do it?" In less than a month from when we discovered the culprit, surgery was done and I was on my way to the rest of my life.

Now, what is this about so far as you, the reader, is concerned? Well, it's about your doing several things. I suggest these:

*Be Disciplined: Be sure you have an annual check-up and be sure it always includes the PSA test. And do not be embarrassed to have your physician do a rectal exam. That tells the doctor whether your prostate has a normal or enlarged feel. Briefly uncomfortable, but very important.

*Be Aware: Start now, no matter your age, to uncover all the information you can about Prostate Cancer. Men, as women with their breasts, are at risk for this form of Cancer. Period. So catch the fox before he gets into the hen house.

*Be Alert: Watch for any change in your activities. Particularly, watch your habits. How many times a day do you urinate? How about getting up at night? How about changes in your stream? Ask your spouse or partner to help you remain conscientious.

Remember, it's your life. Don't wait, don't wonder! ACT NOW!
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Try This On!

Try this on! The Golden years? Well, it turns out, some of us are not so sure. Maybe it's more the Iron Age Years, when it takes iron will to get up in the morning and make it through the day, secure in sufficient armor to protect one from assaults of body and mind, heart and soul, and yes, aging.

Or perhaps it is the Brass Age, when one discovers the machinations of the brassy are the real contributors to survival and overcoming the attacks of aging and change and uncertainty.

Maybe, however, it is really the Copper Age, when one turns green with envy observing the freedom and alacrity and insouciance of the young.

We come to retirement with expectations, only to find, too frequent disappointment. We face the golden years with fantasies of freedom, challenges in the number of choices we can make with what to do with our time and energy in one day. We discover the wonder of not having to be "on time," except for a doctor's appointment, or a meeting with our broker to decide if income will outlast life span.

Yet, with all of that, there are glorious, delicious moments. One of the practices I have developed, at almost 70, is choosing the cocktail hour to include a series of phone calls to persons all over America, with whom I have frequent evening telephonic communication. The voice and its inflections radiate much greater intimacy than the word on an email sent at some odd hour.

So, when lonely or challenged, afraid or distressed, deliriously happy and ready to share, pick up the phone and call one of those other whatever-genarians, with whom you have shared wonderful life moments and travel to other times and places, remembered only by the two of you.
It will make the moment the Age of Communication, which is and remains the best age of all.

Irregular Habits

Regularity is the sought after condition of the aging. Whether it has to do with the body or simply a routine, regularity offers solace, comfort and satisfaction. So we gear our diets, bedtime, day to day activities accordingly.

Some see this as routine, others as boring. For the aging it is the very predictability of a day that one wishes to achieve in most things.

On the other hand, there is good reason for irregular habits. There is something to be said for serendipity, for the spontaneous, for the unpredictable.Getting too caught up in routine begins to build walls around one's life experience. Opening up to new adventures, people, experiences may allow for unexpected growth. Curiosities, yet to blossom, can add dimensions to one's life beyond the ordinary and safe.

Risk, take a chance, do the leap of faith. Decide to scale a new wall, look under those rocks, take a road never before traveled. This is, after all, part of the trip too. It ain't over yet. So keep informed, look up a new word, rise to the morning, greet a new friend. Irregular habits may drive us to lands previously unexplored, to vistas never seen, to heights we didn't even know were there. Reach for the stars, and if you catch a comet on the way, grab it and take the ride of your life!

Thinking Outside the Box

Mortuaries may not like this one. However, unless your family has already gone to the expense of a pre paid funeral plan, my suggestion is to think it over.

Funerals can be quite expensive these days. And, the attitude of the one facing that moment may change. The traditional approach has been to "be prepared." There is nothing wrong with that.

Increasingly the preparations have included numerous options, which before went unconsidered.

It was my good fortune, to end up serving (I am a retired United Methodist minister) in a retirement community. The rules required that no one could be a full time resident in that community if they had not reached the age of 55. That, of course, set some interesting parameters.

Many, if not most, of the residents came from other parts of the country to retire in this community. It is in a suburb of Phoenix. The weather and amenities were and are very inviting.

And, of course, along the way one is met with decisions and issues related to mortality. The presence of the church community is quite strong. There are numerous options. Many of them provide Columbariums, which allows for the cremation of the deceased and the respectful placing of ashes in a permanent niche on the property of the Church grounds. In addition, there are also "Scattering Gardens."

What happened was that many of the people who transplanted their midwestern roots, recognized that the traditions and customs from their past no longer held as much importance. So they began investigating. In the tenure I served, eight of ten persons chose cremation and interment in a columbarium. The congregation's median age at the time was mid seventies. By now, it is above eighty.

Some choose to return to their earlier homes, if they still have connections and family. Some relocate because of health issues to locations which provide for their needs. But those who remain have created for themselves a new comfort level with an idea that years before they might not have considered.

What are the advantages?

*Flexibility. This approach allows for flexibility in convenient timing for everyone involved. In these days of excessive costs for travel, there is wisdom in that. In the milieu of families who are scattered, often around the globe, it allows for consideration of their needs. It avoids the need to purchase a plot, to be faced with dealing with all the physical issues upon death. It provides dignity to the deceased.

*Sentimentality: Some argue that closure is the important issue in a funeral service. None can differ comfortably with that. Such is provided. A memorial service, appropriately planned and executed, can offer that. Some say "they need a place" to go to when the deceased is "buried."
That is provided for in the columbarium with a plaque designating the name, necessary dates, and perpetual upkeep of the facility.

*Individuality: The important consideration in all of this is respecting the individual. Whatever preference one has, needs to be respected. One of my earliest funerals in western Nebraska included a service in which the deceased had requested "Home on the Range," as his favorite music. Imposing the will or guilt of others upon the service can assure it will not be a satisfying moment.

So, encourage thinking outside the box, literally and figuratively.

Those Annoying Moments!

Senior Moments. Come 0n, we all have them. Some more frequently than others, but nonetheless real and irritating.

Mine come now so regularly that I have the habit of sitting for a moment to let it pass. I figure forgetfulness should have some benefit, why not a break! I keep trying to find a way to turn the moment into a creative opportunity. Since I have lost something, usually, (not just my mind for a bit) I consider what I could do with the time spent looking for the object or remembering the task. Often, the more I concentrate on the forgotten, the less likely I am to remember.

So, perhaps the counsel which is given about so many interruptions in life is "move on!" Find something else to do and if the object or task is remembered, then it will come in due time and I will not have wasted more time.

Maybe I will come up with the opening line to the Great American Novel. Maybe I will find a treasure in my other thoughts which I knew never was there. Maybe I will benefit from not flaggelating myself over my forgetfulness. Worth a try!

Thoughts About Assisted Living

Stopped by to see my 88 year old mother the other day. She resides in an Assisted Care Facility. It is a commodious operation. Her home now is a one large room, bath and (by her request) exceptionally large closet. It has a kitchenette. It is really very comfortable.

But, the journey to get to this home was fraught with several emotional road blocks. We had been prudent enough, a few years before, to enroll Mother in a Long Term Care Insurance program. We are, as is she, very glad we did.

That probably was the first step toward the eventual. It was a good one, because it came at a time when we could afford it and her health was, as it still is, reasonably good.

When I was at the facility the other day I was met with the presence of a dear friend who was considering the accomodations for her mother, also in her late eighties. She admitted that it would take considerable convincing to bring it off.

Maybe it always does. But, we learned it is part of the process.

Arriving at the decision to alter one's life habits is a major 8.5 on the Richter scale event. It is or can be cataclysmic.

So what to do. Here are some hints.

*START EARLY: Since it has taken this long to build up to this moment, seize it. It may come in a variety of ways. Do not ignore discussion. Encourage venting. Avoid promises.

*SHOP WHILE ABLE: Look around, check out the options. Go for an ice cream and happen to pass by one of the choices. Drop in. Be casual. Look it over. (Be sure you have checked it out first). Take notes. Keep a file.

*INCLUDE YOUR PARENT: Don't circumvent his/her right to be a part of the issue. That will only make it worse.

*READ EVERYTHING YOU CAN ON AGING: Do your homework. Know the signs to look for, ask others to observe. You will know when the time comes. It will be easier to decide if you have already practiced deciding!

*Soon we will go into the details for assisting the decision making process, determining the best advantages for your parent and you, and reaching a level of acceptance, mutuality in creating security, and enjoyment.